Starved for attention and embittered by having to work in the "dank, sub-human" basement of the SELEDA Shrine, our Mail editor, as the Americans quaintly put it, went "postal" on us. "Sandford School classrooms have better ventilation that that … well, ok… it's not Sandford School building code bad, but it's bad!" We tell ya, everybody is a victim. Said editor ended up storming the executive floor, dressed in fatigues (tastefully accessorized with a cute Hermes scarf), and holding up a moldy keyboard panel in what was a very uncomely (and decidedly uncivil) disobedience. ("I shall over-r-r coo-o-me… I shall over come, one daaayyyy.")

Lordy!

Fine, the worn out SELEDA abetoota komitay, said. If it will stop this godlessness, we will capitulate to the demands of the malcontented. So, from now on, said editor shall be known as "ye-posta betachin fitawrari", will work out of a first floor office with a view of SELEDA upper management's private parking lot, and come next fiscal year will get the #1 item on the blackmail (did we say blackmail? We meant demand) list: a computer upgrade… to a "brand new 360". (The moldy keyboard stays!) Chigir new getinet.

Bottom line, the SELEDA flag was lowered to half-staff in remembrance of this ugly incident, we all chanted "Never again!" and "The Revolution shall be televised!" and we are back to SELEDA standard normalcy.

We apologize for a two-month forfay, but in light of this unfortunate Tena metawek, we hope our readers will have the magnanimity to forgive and forget.

Before going into a sampling of mail, tiny piece of business: in the middle of all this un-selamawi self and wreckage, a message from a reader who had submitted a wonderful piece called "Martyrs and Heroes" was lost. If you are still out there, dear reader, please email us soon.

So, what has been the vibe in the cyber alem…

December was our "Arts" issue, and Biniam, he from that certain New Hampshire college which we are convinced is a breeding ground for future Jesse Helms campaign managers, Absolut Vodka spokespeople, and/or The Jeffrey Dalmer Society CHiffroch, was not "terribly impressed". "[SELEDA's] contents have turned into largely tirki-mirki topics, liberally garnished with vainglorious verbiage, and authored by out-of-touch and self-appointed liQs," he writes, lips pursed and ye-teshemededdu SAT words still fresh in his mind.

Ah, kids raised on Sony Playstations these days! We would have become all niminy-pimimy and reciprocated with verbal kurkums, but he was sweet in calling us "self-appointed liQs", so here, Bini, here is a shout out from your SELEDA homey slices: "Go, Jesse, go!"

Lucky for us, we have a friend in Joe Ciuffini. "Thanks for the two-part CHilot," his gracious email begins. "That article was the best of the best! Not the conflict, but the passing analysis of the music scene. (Someone knew what they were writing about.) Sure, I like Chachi for her looks, but not for her music… sure I like Gigi for both her music and her looks… That analysis is the model for the changes that are taking place across the generations of Ethiopians, and in a sense always have. The key to Ethiopia has been it's wonderfully stubborn refusal to become western, cheap and tawdry. I hope that it remains so! Thanks, thanks, thanks for some terrific reading and those 'spot on' dialogues. … One notable exception is that the Sunday morning Amharic radio program recently played the Macerana in Amharic! Groan!"

(Gulp!) Does this mean you're gonna hate us for our new business venture, JC? The double CD set of "SELEDA's Broadway Showtunes in Amharic"? ($79.99. Coming soon to amazon.com. Look under the "Cheap and Tawdry" selections.)

Remember our January issue on "Home"? Remember when we tried to pay homage to the motherland?

DinQ'em!, was Mahlet's retort, whose emasculating email reads in part: "I am definitely impressed by SELEDA peeps… even though we see you party at Bravo Bravo's!! (so we've been told)…" [Ere be-feTeresh! Unless Bravo Bravo is a gedam where they give refresher courses on zimaraye mewasit, we've never stepped foot in it.] "But I was pretty much saddened by the January issue. I couldn't believe it was possible to find so many people who really couldn't connect to Ethiopia or being Ethiopiawe. Really you should make just as much effort to tell (and, believe me, they need to be told) the positive side to being Ethiopiawe and growing up in Ethiopia. Esti lets find some people out there who are really connected to their roots…"

Did we miss something here? If we didn't feel deeply connected to Ethiopia (the positive and the negative) would we bear putting ourselves through the Aushwitz of editorial meetings every month to bring you SELEDA? No. We would be sitting in front of a flat-screen TV, eating gourmet desta keremelas, watching "It's a Wonderful World" for the 299th time, and royally pissing off the executive committee of the "Institute to Determine who is a 'Really Connected' Ethiopian?" Minnew, Mali?

…A moment, please, as we climb down from our high horse.

Moving on, MM from NYC writing on Sza Sza Zelleke's piece: "Addis Rhapsodies!! It does not get any better than this. It cannot get any better than this. The prose, my God, the Prose! It should be required reading for those of us who have not been back home in a while. It made me realize that time doesn't make you forget home. It just sedates the raging urges. And then you read "Addis Rhapsodies", and you are packing your bags, ready to fill your inner potholes. It is the flagship article for SELEDA."

We agree, and if it wasn't for a few legal type complications, we would have already re-named this 'zine, SZA-LEDA. In lieu of that, Tuesdays have been declared makSZA-gno around here. We have sent a dozen SZAn'Tilas to Qulibiew Mike for sending us Addis Rhapsodies. When we become indignant we stomp our feet and scream, "SZA-raff! Ye-tiQil aSZAker!", then take two ProSZAcs and nod "SZAna ideru" to SELEDA interns, who are known as protèSZAs.

OK. Enough. Tinnish tenSZA-SZAn.

Hellhole Diaries … ah, what can we say about Hellhole Diaries? You either thought it was manna, or you wondered if you had accidentally stumbled onto www.s'eeol.com by way of ge'hannem.com.

Particularly underwhemled by the whole exercise is our new friend Acham Kassa, who smacked HD's around with poignancy, whipped, tarred-and-feathered it with brilliant critique, and then brought out the chains of weQesa for a little "Who's your daddy, now?" (Good thing we've worked through our S & M, hum, problems.)

To wit: "… resulted in sub-optimal D/E (delivery to expectation ratio)"… "actually more of bar hopping and the red light district"… "a good example of how bad a writing and expression of opinion can get"… "cyber littering"… "audacity to apply and impose his LA values to the Ethiopian culture…".

U! U! U! Igray awCHin to a safe corner to gasp for air.

The final blow: "Friends, the writer is an example of what I hope the "Young Ethiopian Professional" is not. We are not brutal iconoclasts, bigots, myopic mammals, antisocial critters or homophobes. I was quite disturbed to realize that you are preparing us for Part 2 of this tragic writing. Well, what have we not heard yet? Xenophobia - deporting the poor and Somalians out of Ethiopia as he has compared them with the Mexicans in the streets of L.A? Or maybe sodomy in the azmari bet or yet another car accident…"

Ahhh… c'mon, guy. We're sure that by Part 14 you, too, Achamay, shall be swinging to the Hellhole Diaries groove, and join the legions who are throwing "HD theme-ed" cocktail parties. (Imagine: the bar could be the post office in Addis, and eleven bartenders would be in charge of making your martini… one to get the shaker, one to chill the glass, one to get the crushed ice, one to add in the vermouth, one to drain the vermouth, one to pour in the gin, one to stir it, one to get the chilled glass, one to drop in the olive, one to serve it to you, and the last one to ask you if you need another drink, and if you do, to step to the back of the line. See? Fun. When SELEDA throws you a lemon… either make lemon soufflé, or drink yourself into oblivion.

Also chagrined was Abraham, who was a little more coquettish in his ziQ ziQ madreg.: "Ere Matric basalefechin Mariam! No more Hellhole d's! …although I would have pimped myself to have seen our guy in Addis throw that temper tantrum in broken Amarigna! Now, a transcript of THAT would have demonstrated great journalistic prowess."

Well, Abe, as fortuitous co-inky-dinky would have it, guess what SELEDA's second CD venture is? Yep. "Temper Tantrums in Broken Amharic… the Azamari 'Bayt' Version". ($49.99 at amazon.com. Look under the "Xenophobic Iconoclasts" selections.)

Not all of you were rubbed the wrong way. Marta Gebre-Tsadik thought it was "informative and playful"; Yonas B. declared it "superb" and this from S. Getachew: " 'Hellhole' reminded me of trips we used to take outside Addis... you know, inevitably there is roadkill, and our parents scream at us to close our eyes so that we don't witness first-hand some gory accident and then be traumatized for life. Well, I tried to squeeze my eyes shut, but HD's kept beckoning me. I peeked, and I am traumatized. Tantalized and traumatized, my conscious dived to tizibt level. Wei gud!"

Hmm. We're not sure what that means exactly, but we're so sure there's a Collector's Edition 4-pack CD venture in it somewhere.

A moment, again, while we climb back up on our high horse…

Hellhole Diaries was audacious, no question about it. But it is, as the author conceded right from the beginning, only a sliver of the life of an expatriate in Addis. As offensive as some parts could have been to some people, there were elements of resounding truth to them. Undeniably. That was why we decided to publish it. Painful as it may have been to read at times, incidents he described happen… every minute, every day, every week. Not to everybody. But they happen. The difference is that he said it. Was it jarring? Hell, yes. But the author did more than most of us have ... he went back home to at least try to make a difference... four years worth of difference, with obvious visceral instincts that makes us all crave home (without opening up yet another nightclub/bar/gym). We have worked hard not to be some weenie 'zine that tries to make everyone happy all the time, spineless and mehal sefari , tiptoeing around meekly hoping everyone likes us. Sometime, you just gotta jump in. Someone might get splashed, but you still gotta jump in.

OK. What? What? Whhhhhaaat? How did we end up here? Jeez, Scottie, beam us back down. And then there was light: The Valentine's issue. Which, of course, brought along its own set of problems.

The Abol…

L. Tessema, a self described "callow reader from Ye -Fascist Hager ": "Hey there Humble Editors ... I must say that this month's issue is, by virtue of the theme you chose (the big L-O-V-E), debased. But who's to say that's a bad thing? I'm glad you 'stooped' to the level of discussing sappy love related issue instead of going on and on and on and on ... about culture shocks, cultural gaps, inter-racial hu-ha ... etc, etc. Keep it up."

Sebhat l'ab !! Does anyone from the CHewa kifle hager s of these United States read SELEDA anymore??

The Jeba …

Mulmebet Y.: "Skeptical me: 'SELEDA on Love? Is that like Clinton on abstinence?' I know. Here, take my wrist… Whack! Whack! Post reading your latest issue: pleasantly surprised. You actually manage to make a "love issue" palatable and, at some point, even classy. And terrifyingly appealing. Whoever you people are, you have changed Ethiopian cyber-scholarship and intellectual interface."

Er, yegna emebet… for another "whack!" of those exquisite wrists of yours we will happily bare open the SELEDA vaults.

(Really, no, really! We have worked through our D & S, huh, problems.)

And the Bereka …

Ah, Samson from Dallas: "FiQir wei fiQir ...wish I could say ' been there, done that'. But, can't. I have been ducking while the bullets flew in high school. Even in college.... Why torture [ourselves] (the ones who kept our abesha pride)? [So we] said 'Love her? Never. She is just a friend'. We kept our pride. 'Fiqir le Lysceè temariwoch yehun.' Just an ex St. Joe venting. Tell me I haven't missed anything.... Oh yeah, loved Limousine Love...wonder if someone had 'weyiyet love' before?"

Did you miss out by sidestepping around Lyceè (the "firash terra " of schools) Love? Gawsh, no! But weiyet love? You haven't lived 'til you've tried it. The beQlo bet -to- menaheria route is remembered with special fondness by some SELEDA editors… But, wait…Sammy… you probably did mean love in a weiyet ? … Ah, well. Now you know.

Moving on to higher intellectual ground…

"I finished reading Medfer ," writes He Who Shall Remain Nameless. "I have to admit, the first time I read it, I was too hasty and I couldn't, literally, read past the sexy details. It is among the best-crafted articles I have read anywhere, trying to reach at a very difficult topic in our culture. I remember at a male-only drinking session, one of my 'friends' started talking about his good old days straight out of high school. Most of the stories were his own rape stories, which he admitted to us without flinching an eye. And there was no shame. It was sad, but what was even sadder was the confusion in the room on how to react to the stories. But, it was clear that rape in our culture was not regarded as the evil it truly is. As evidenced by time past concepts such as "Telfo magbat ", the stage has been set to accept non-consensual sex as a norm. I know about four elder couples back home where the wife was a hostage before she was a bride. To make matters worse, the prevailing belief is that "no" has never meant "no" for either gender, and this concept of megder-der has become a 'communication' tool. Back to my friend, I wish I could tell you that I was furious with his stories and that I had stormed out of the room. For various reasons, I sat still and let him finish. I wonder what I would have done if that scene was reenacted today? It was a good article."

Also on Medfer : S. from all the way in the United Arab Emirates comments, "…The article about date rape was, after a slightly soft core beginning, phenomenally insightful. The issue has been imbedded in those of us who went to college in the 80's, and took part in "Take Back the Night" rallies. But you read it in context of our own little dirty secret, and all the rationalizations of NIMBY--not in my neighborhood-- quietly/not-so-quietly come crashing down. "Who would have thought" changes to "how could I have not thought"? It was a very disturbing awakening, and if it wasn't done so beautifully, would have left a lot more people cringing than enlightened. Awed. I am awed."

Yessir! SELEDA: over a billion Qum neger s served. Ok, a million. OK, a hundred. Fine, two, but y'all have to stop splitting hairs.

But then again, we have our l'il friend, D. Taye, the Ato Adeffriss of SELEDA bliss, to bring us down to earth.

His chatty email was written in all caps, and if there ever comes a time when you can attach pouty lips to an email, well, watch out! As it is, we are grateful he used only 7,201 exclamation marks. His sulky soliloquy about "Choices", the letter exchange between two childhood friends, reads in part: "You've made out of SELEDA a forum for "self-therapy", an A.A. club for women in their 30s/40s who have failed in their relationships."

(Hmm. We sense …crankiness?)

"The writing is good," he continues, "but I want to see one SELEDA article that doesn't go into relationship problems - with family, friends, the other sex…" (Note to ourselves: forward DT advanced copy of the All you need to know about Semi-Conductors but were too shy to ask issue.) "There's exaggeration of facts, sometimes to a hyperbolic degree… but on your latest issue, I noticed it definitely once too often. (i.e. should we start an 'Ethiopian' sperm bank?)…I find myself screaming foul, and then wondering why I'm wasting time reading these desultory ramblings of some demi-feminists."

(OK. We know that's meant as a rhetorical question, but we'll answer anyway… 'COZ, THE 'D' IN 'D. TAYE' STANDS FOR "DEMI AND EVEN SEMI FEMINIST LOVER".

Ehem. He then offers an astaraQi medemdemia that is all demi-misogynist like: "When it's funny though, it's to the point where I stand up and clap. Just too much. And then there are times it just makes me seriously think ... how can we men take better care of these lost sisters. Ah, SELEDA! Can't live with you, can't live without ... (or is it 'pass the beer nuts'?)

No, dear. It's "Pass the beer, and where are the directions to the sperm bank?"

Straight to our "Scratch head and say 'huh!' in exasperation" file goes Yalemzewd Negash's email that has us wondering, "Damn! Why did we ever, ever go cold turkey on funneling 240 proof rum when reading SELEDA mail?" [Parental warning: the following not edited for … well, for nothing.]

"I read some articles written by some guys who spent some time in Ethiopia. This guys seems well educated. They have serving America for many years. But didn't serve (or think about) Ethiopia. And they tell all the awful things about Ethiopia. And they try to compare Ethiopia with America (guys compare the compairables). They may have some blood from Ethiopia. But that doesn't mean they are real Ethiopians. I am really sorry to hear those bad staffs only. There are many good things to tell about Ethiopia (what do you say). I think you don't want to hear good things about Ethiopia. What I am trying to say is that What did you do for Ethiopia that makes you hate her. What did one president of America say (I think don't ask what you country could do to you, but what can you do for your country). But it seems the only thing you guys want to do about Ethiopia is to tell about all the bad staffs and laugh at it. Sorry to know that. I though all Ethiopians abroad want to do! Something feasible to their country. All the developed nation, even America, were even worse than Ethiopia once. But thanks to their citizens they are now developed. Hope you guys know this very well or didn't you?"

Well, maybe a sip here and there won't hurt anyone…ah, what the hell. Pass around the funnel.

"Who is Valentine?" screams out our friend Mekonnen Tesfahuney, Ph.D. "What the heck do I care if Valentine is the god of this or that? Ain't our symbol, anyway. So why fall in line with "whitey" symbols and perpetuate, 'white washed history'? …"

Hummm. We get a feeling we will be hearing from Mekonnen again right after we roll out our much touted "St. Patrick's Day" issue…Dang, that's followed by the "Greyhound Day" issue…Hopefully he has nothing against Christopher Columbus, because… yep. (Note to ourselves: scratch "A Tribute to Aerosmith" idea.)

There were, thankfully, a few of you, who resisted the temptation to Tor memzez and dropped offerings into our "suggestions" box. Ij simenal. May you live long enough to see them come to fruition.

Our old pal Abiy Hailu called us to task on the Qusil that is SELEDA's "purpose". In his email aptly titled 'Networking 101', he illucidates: "I am still waiting for the clear objective of SELEDA. If it is meant as an on-line magazine, then it should stick to the current format/approach on putting together interesting, educational and funny stories. However, on the other hand, the ultimate goal, which was to set-up a network for Ethiopian professionals has been completely abandoned or so it seems ... or are we still being selective??"

Well, actually, Abiy, if only. One look at the SELEDA gene pool, and you would be reaching for chlorine… How, we often ask each other, did we end up in this sullen syndicate, and will giving up truffled goose foie gras d'oie during the filseta Tsom will buy us a ticket out?

Echoing Abiy's exact sentiments, Zewditu 66, (not related to Zeberga 99, we don't think) throws this our way: "I think you guys should facilitate networking among your readers. Ethiopians from all over the U.S are regularly visiting this site. This forum provides an opportunity for Ethiopians to meet each other. Maybe, you can have a discussion forum where SELEDA members visiting certain states can post notices. Just a thought!"

And a stellar one at that, Z. And as soon as our wayward interns stop taking advantage of their furlough outside the SELEDA gates to CHirash mekoblel, leaving no one to hand deliver SELEDA membership invitations, we will get on it. (Incidentally, there is a handsome reward awaiting anyone who returns to us stray SELEDA interns. We'll take them back, dead or alive, although we do not recommend you try apprehending one by yourself: they are deadly when they are alive.)

But we digress…

We always get all light-headed and stuff when readers actually do things for us without us resorting to highly immoral emotional blackmail and/or psychotic e-stalking, all, of course, done with our trademark sweetly murderous undertones.

Egigahehu came to our mercy recently, and, hence the "The Egigahehu Pasta Primavera" is now a Blue Plate special at the SELEDA commissary.

"Ere be hig amalak ", she decried one of our front covers. " [It] weighs in at a whopping 171k, taking over a minute and a half to load at optimal conditions. Remember, you at SELEDA Towers might enjoy DSL and T-1 access, but for us denizens, 56k is all we've got." Then comes more technical stuff … yadda, yadda… she's reduced something from 160k to 32k… yadda… converted some other thing to gif format…, and then, hello, sunshine! "If you like, in the future you may email me images in advance of publication so you may go to press at optimal pre-bout weight."

Immamlakin, if we were people who did research of any kind, trust us, our library? "The Egigahehu T. Library and Research Center: Take a Big Byte o' This!"

In the same category is Fesseha, who must not be aware of our #1 fetish and juvenile delinquency tendencies about making crank calls, because he included his phone number with his email. ("Aalloooow… alllloooo… tezewa-warii new?… yisemal?…. Man libel?… alllloooo …") He says: "…also, I can help as an advisory person, not that you need it, but in case…if finance is an issue, I can help in any way I can… just let me know."

Egggggggzio mahrene krisssssssstossssssssss !! Slap us silly and call us "Nieman Marcus". We are deeply touched, of course, and grateful that someone thinks we are this worthy. Ye-ijotin yisTilin , Gashe Fesseha, and the entity known as "The SELEDA on-Staff Bankruptcy Lawyers" will be getting in touch with you… soon. Be cher yigTemachiu .

But, in the end, love conquers all… and when we read love mail from SELEDA cognoscenti/imbi ashaferegn fans, we realize, wow! The world is such a …a swell place!

We must have somehow impressed Sewit, because her tidal-wave size ego booster of an email had us squealing in delight. "I hope you guys know just how much me and my kind (those of us who promote any and all twisted, nay, sprained expressions of wit, humor and Qum neger about life in the abat ager ) appreciate the amount of work you put into SELEDA. You entertain me for the first 5 days every month (used to read it all in one day...but have started rationing myself to stretch out the pleasure..."

Ah, self control. Something we only think of dreaming about.

Meanwhile, Leelai Demoz promptly writes to us mere hours after SELEDA came out, and announced that he had just finished reading the whole issue in one lap, and "what should I read now?"

Ere tin indaylih …well, the SELEDA Book Club recommends the SELEDA CD collections we mentioned earlier on. But if you are bent on actually reading something, well, the lyrics to our CD collection are printed on the cover. Enjoy.

Who would have known that we, l'il old us would appeal to the more restrained, refined and respected Ethiopian Diaspora in Europe. (Don't all of them go to finishing school there?)

A reader named Fishkaw from the Netherlands sends his greeting, "Selam be-anget, wegeb sira alebet ". (You see? Them people is classy.) He tell us that takes time away from his job connecting Amsterdam ("Grassland"… his word, not ours… we like it… the word, not the grass… never mind) to Paris (Love City… we're not even gonna go there) via a high-speed railway lines, to read SELEDA."I have already gotten two warnings from my boss… he hates to see me with an English-English dictionary in my hand and SELEDA on my screen. Thus I ask you in the name of your Qulibiew Mikael and my Adamaw Karama and be-Arusiew Shegenaw Husssien" to minimize your effort a little more boring so that I can keep my job."

Done, but only if you promise to help us connect SELEDA upper management to reality.

Meanwhile, Ammauel coyly complains that, "Because of [SELEDA], my electric bill has reached uncharted territories. I am asking the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power to switch my subscription to ELPA. Maybe paying in Birr would ease the pain. I am assuming that deregulation of utilities extends to all."

We dunno what deregulation means in LA, but in these neck o' the woods, we've struck a deal with the power company: 2 insolent interns for every 90 kilo watts of energy we use. And if the 200 new heat lamps upper management just expensed ("we need then to, um, grow stuff indoors") is any indication, we will have to make frequent trips to the Intern Mart.

Judging by his email address, Daniel in Chicago works for an affiliate of a power/energy company, so maybe he could be dragged into this conversation. He confesses that SELEDA "… is the only sight that has made me stay on line for so many minutes," surpassing, ostensibly, the minutes he spends on "the vast balegay sites." (Nope. Not a vision we wanna see.) But he redeems himself by adding, " … I used to think that only the "people" at NPR or BBC could write the way your writers do. Only Garrison Keillor can come close."

And with that vision of holding SELEDA retreats in an Ethiopian-ized Prairie Home, with very non-balegay sites to keep company, we close this bag of SELEDA mail… Again, our heartfelt gratitude to all of you who make it possible for us to grow, get better and giddy with joy. SELEDA could never have come this far without the QuTa and mikir of our readers, and, gawsh darn it, if we could only agelebabTo mesam each and every one of you, we would.

Tena-yisTilin.

Editors@seleda.com