The Backpage
Fergeddabout the inaccurate tea leaf readings of Weizero Mannalebish! Dump the Wuqabi aqrabbi/araqi of 18th street. You want to know what your future holds? Here comes the SELEDA Horoscope to the rescue…
Aries (March 21-April 19): This is going to be a time for great prosperity for you. The Indians now running the Commercial Bank of Ethiopia will think you are a long lost cousin and give you several million Birr in "loans." Bring a Bic pen for collateral, several festals for the cash, and kokoss to slick back your not-so-luCHa hair.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): There is danger in your future. You will be at a wedding where they don’t serve Heineken. Don’t panic. Don’t sulk. Go up to the mother of the bride and pretend you are a zemed and that you were actually invited. Learn how to say (with the right incredulity) "Ere sew mn ylal " about the beer predicament. While you are at it, make snippy comments about the WeT. The danger will pass if you remain calm.
Gemini (May 21- June 21): You are in for a strange month. Soon you will find yourself at the heart-wrenching leqso of a distant friend. But do not panic at the presence of a ye-wuCH ager zega musho awraj. Just remember: when Aquanetta-Shaniqua DeBeverly hollers, "Brotha man is dead!" you echo with "Of course, of course, baferu lai"
Cancer (June 22-July 22): This will be an enlightening month for you. You finally muster the guts to tell your parents that you’ve changed your major from Nuclear Physics/Bio-Organo Chemistry and your minor in Mechanical Engineering … which you were minoring in because, as your father put it, "denb newa… ye sew lij mehandiss kalhone"… to Agricultural Sciences with a minor in Interior Design. You will shame your parents… "lijachn geberE hone eko"… they are shunned from the "Our Children go to Ivy League Schools-BolE Chapter" Idir. Stay firm. Don’t let your mother’s daily wailing and myriad of "amalajoch" make you cease to find the ultimate inner peace in your pursuit to be a Feng Shui master.
Leo (July 23-August 22): You will find your mate this month… if you make mild adjustments to your "non-negotiable" pre-requisites… Reconsider the requirements of a "yetemarch" supermodel, who will sustain the Ethiopian tradition of washing her husband’s feet and eating after he eats. Look again at your need for a woman who is independent but will always wholeheartedly agree with you in front of your friends. You may need to assess the possible contradiction in wanting a virgin who’s into threesomes.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Rejoice in "connecting back to your roots!" This will be a month of deep introspection and identity revitalization. You will start a well-funded NGO that aims to teach every Ethiopian man, woman and child to appreciate fusion cuisine… "we of two cultures will make this a better world via fusing our minds and cuisines." Your Imitation Bacon, Arugla and Shirro Pie will garner you respect. You will be inducted into the "dehna sew" Hall of Fame. Use your powers for good.
Libra (September 23-October 22): It’s time for new beginnings. Yes, you might have gone to Tqmt Whateverth Komprihensive (Fourth Shift) back home … your Mummy might not have had a Nanny… you never got to play at RichE… but you are earning a six-figure salary now and just bought a summer home in Amagansett. Time to get over the complex complexes… and to get rid of the damn danteel on your HDTV. Remember what you learnt in intense therapy: "In current currency (idmE l’Amerika) money can buy me (some) class."
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): You are in for yet another tumultuous month… make that year. Just as you thought, everybody is talking about you; everybody is out to get you; when people ask how you are feeling, what they are really after is your intellectual property; the CIA is working full time to discredit your dissertation; you can’t write a personal letter without copyrighting the whole thing because people steal your words… and… and you will start a new litigation against the Ministry of Education, Emperor Menilik’s estate, the Ethiopian Church and all on-line Ethiopic software companies for stealing and/or attempting to steal, and/or not give you credit for creating the fidel, "ku".
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Get ready to be embraced by new ideas. Add a random "X" to your name (MeXfin, Gebre IXihaber) and delve into the American Rap Culture. Don’t worry about who Sojourner Truth, Dred Scott or William Wells Brown are … but make sure you know Snoop’s shoe size. Emerge from the "enslavement" that the White Devil (well, mainly Mr. Kronos, proprietor of that old Greek bakery by Tewodros Addebabi you used to frequent as a kid) has imposed on you. Fight the power that wants to bring you "down" and your newfound identity… which might include your mother who thinks your dreadlock extensions and baggy pants make you look like CHraq, ye sew CHraq. Scar your ye bEt lij dmbuuuCHiyE baby face with a razor, and light up the gangsta’ fire in you.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Sick of not being part of any liberation movement, you will, this month, endeavor to start the Liberation Movement for People Who Have No Liberation Movement. Then, tired of the "in-fighting," you will splinter off and create the Liberation Movement to Liberate Those who Have Been Oppressed By The Liberation Movement for People Who Have No Liberation Movement. Your mission is to liberate the liberators. Always stay focused no matter how many liberation movements you have to create. Eventually, one will address your needs. If not, liberate it!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): It’s time to get your finances and priorities in order. Learn frugality and cut down on extravagant expenditures by limiting the budget for your wedding to $60,000. Force yourself to stay within that budget (plus or minus 10k), but don’t try your hand at frugality when it comes to the essentials - such as inviting all 1,500 of your closest, closest personal friends. Show self-restraint by not having more than nine berEs slaughtered to mark the occasion of your nuptials. Exude modesty by cutting back to seven kinds of doro weT and a 10-tier versus a 12- tier cake. However, all this penny-pinching does not mean that each guest can’t have his/her own personalized bottle of Johnny Walker Black, and a gift certificate to Bloomingdale’s to buy the proper attire to attend your wedding (you don’t need the embarrassment of having people show up in leisure suits and white-patented leather shoes). If you practice this kind of fiscal prudence, you will even be able to purchase a car within the next couple of years.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Just stay home. Close the door, shut the window and blast some Melaku Gelaw. Life is great. Relax.
|