How to get your child into an Addis A'ba school … SELEDA hints you can use.

Sandford: Wow school officials by making bogus connection to any royal family ("My son, ShewanQoCHew "Shawn" ZiQargachew, is the lost Earl of Jimma… My daughter is the Sultan of Sumatra's abel lij…) Prove child has failed at least three other schools. Make sure bribe money to headmaster, administrator, registrar and guard is in small, unmarked bills. (Bribes taken every weekday 9 a.m.-11 p.m.)

Lyceé: Have child pass "How to have sex in your dad's Fiat" test. Attach child's complete criminal record to application form. Assure school officials you will make child studies hard to join the proud tradition of Lycee graduates who become Paris street vendors.

American Mission: Make child memorize date last American actually stepped foot on that campus. Obey the BYOD (Bring your own Desk) ordinance.

St. Joseph: Pump child with illegal steroids to increase testosterone level. Prove to administrators that child can "take a lickin' and keep on ticking". (Demonstrate by bashing child's head against brick wall and inviting all teachers to do the same.) Wear a "My child will be having sex with your honor roll kid" T-shirt.

Cathedral: If child is breathing, child will be in Advanced Placement. If child knows the alphabets (in no particular order) child can teach AP classes. Make sure child knows school war song: "Katay… Katay Katikala…"

ICS: Get psychologist's certification that child is on the right path to becoming a "world class… assho.., er, neurotic recreational drug abuser". Name child (boy or girl) Kennedy and play "Pretend I am American" games. Boast that child does not speak Amharic, or know Ethiopian History. Tell child that if he/she does not get admitted to an Ivy League school, you will spread rumors that he/she was adopted.

Nazret: Make sure that by age 6, daughter has a pre-determined St. Joseph husband in mind. Help daughter understand that manicured fingernails and perfect hair comes before God and country. Pledge to teach her how to squeal to perfection and pretend to be an airhead in the presence of men.

Teferi Mekonnen: Do not ask principal, "Is this even a REAL school?" Be on time for the student/parent/teachers' orientation at Maritu Tej Bet and have child buy the first two rounds of Tej. Prove that child is "Teferi Mac" material by making child get into drunken brawl with Maritu.

Menen: Teach child how to spell "Superiority Complex". Reassure child that school was not always known as the "Pretend School of Addis Ab'a." Bring list of Italian School students child has beaten to a bloody pulpit.

Saint Mary: Attach documentation to prove daughter is an airhead. Vow that daughter will not remain a virgin past the 10^th grade. Teach daughter how to spell "inferiority complex".

Asfaw Wossen: Buy child school uniform: fatigues and army boots. Also buy child school necessities: one pencil, one pen and several bullets for handgun. Push child through front gate and say, "You're on your own, kid! Shoot your way to home room."