The SELEDA Backpage
Meet the Editorial staff…

Fine. We can't take it anymore! You kept wanting to know who the people are behind SELEDA… well, aren't you sorry you asked!!!!

10. …the belching, Tela-guzzling Neanderthal, proud driller of the hole between his cube and the ladies' bathroom, known to never call a chick by her given name -- "anchi!" or by the crook of an index finger. He is kept on the Editorial staff to ensure that a significant portion of the Ethiopian population is represented, and to stop (with his yemiyasniQ borCH) any disgruntled postal worker bullets that may come SELEDA's way.

9. …the simpering Qey-dama Barbie-wanna-be whose relaxer appointments and lipo- touch-ups have priority over world peace; that is, if she recognized any world that wasn't revolving around her. Her taste in clothes, her killer instinct for perfumes that gag, and the fact that she represents a significant portion of the Ethiopian population are all reasons for keeping her around. Besides, she actually LIKES #10.

8. …the starving artist in a garret somewhere around BeQlo-bet who would rather die of starvation than be subjected to elaborate descriptions of ecological advances in environmental science. For SELEDA, he is THE authority on what works and what doesn't: if he just clicks his tongue-pierce ornament against his teeth, the article is a hit. If he nails his ear to the shutter, it's not so good. In a few instances he's been known to poke a No. 2 pencil into his eye rather than be forced to read another word. Those stories we print.

7. …this secret Stealth editor is known to compress tomes into monosyllabic verbal cluster bombs. The one-liners s/he zings across the Net hold all Editors in thrall, knowing that a single "Girum!!" or "AyasiQim" from her/him can make or break one's spirit forever. S/he barreled his/her way into the SELEDA editorship by sending a "I know where you live" introductory email, followed by an attachment: pictures of other editors' zemedoch as well as the front doors of their homes. This the most respected of Editors.

6. ...the pompous, fishka-less daNa who floods the mailboxes of every SELEDA peon with ecstatic commentaries, mostly waxing poetic through hair-splitting analysis of the double-entendres implied by a burp. This editor's saving grace is his weekly ski trips to Sugarloaf and the ensuing weekly prayers by the rest that an illiterate snow-boarder will shove him off the slopes into a deep canyon. He also brings the best chocolate to meetings.

5. ...the sane editor who... oh, wait, only present editors count.

4. ...the comma-queen (emphasis on Queen) who swoons and goes comatose at every sighting of a misplaced comma or dangling preposition. This Editor was on suicide watch for days after Versace's untimely demise and was on leQso-leave for the 40 days after that really horrid meanie who killed him was caught. She's remarkably stable now, after having paid $150,000 to an "I speak with the dead", er, mentalist. (Apparently Versace told her she was a Diva.)

3. ...the megalomaniac mathematician, who, having watched Pinky and the Brain one too many times, has delusions of taking over the world. She is the Brain behind the name SELEDA -- SayineQubin Educated LiQawint Energized to Dominate Alem. Other Editors suspect that her mathematics degree from "ke Mehanika guwaro yallew College is a fake, 'cause she keeps taking her shoes off to add double digit numbers. But they patiently listen to her latest inventions (like the tofu bullets undetectable by airport x-ray) and generally keep an eye on her -- juuuust in case.

2. ...the SELEDA waterboy whose job description includes ij'na lélam lélam neger mastaTeb. The other editors are unclear why he is constantly called into #1's office or why he always emerges, grinning and dazed, exactly 6 minutes later, soft whimpers escaping him hours later. He is the office hookup for anything you might need of a pharmaceutical nature (indeee, ere.. we mean Aspro!) as well as the genius responsible for meTlefing both electricity and phone services from the neighboring businesses…SELEDA has no overhead because of him. Besides, #3 and #9 both think he's cute.

And last but definitely not least...

1. …the voluptuous jiraf-snapping SeleDominatrix with a voracious…um...appetite for ceremony and Ferragamo. She runs an oil company single-handedly, gleefully decimating teak forests and endangered species alike ("Asssssey!"). She demands that SELEDA peons take turns acting as caffeine-operated bedside story-readers ("Read it to me!!!"), and that they kneel up by the desk side with their tongues sticking out as she flips through documents, occasionally stopping ("Golgul!!") to dip a finger...even #7 is wary.