It might just take familiarizing yourself with Vedic Mathematics theories and enlisting the help of expert satellite radar operators, but look hard enough and eventually you will actually locate traces of logic behind how our bosses run SELEDA. tadiya, in the process of looking for them traces, s’q indailachu because you’ll miss everything in its entirety.

For the record, nothing good ever comes out of any of the field trips upper management takes. When they returned from Davos last year, for example, after rubbing elbows with world and business leaders who can actually map out the future of civilization (“izi gar Torinet.. eza ga demmo.. inja.. selam inifTer indE zendiro?”), they managed to irreparably damage several angoloch, which were already operating on a strictly simechachew basis. Post-Davos, it was all of a sudden considered unforgivably plebian not to have “plenary sessions,” and something called “sector analysis” was brandied about recklessly without anyone really understanding what it meant. Oh, and it was decreed that we would henceforth start spelling “center” “centre.” tadiya mn teshale?

By what vagary we don’t know, but upper management was on the invite list to this year’s annual World Bank/IMF meeting. Oh, the irony...let us count the ways! We braced for what would result after close encounters with people who think they are world and business leaders who can map out the future of civilization. Well, we should have braced tighter.

The legendarily creepy SELEDA Editorial Meetings got even creepier this month as upper management showcased some of its newly acquired talents: the most magnificently banal being making superbly obvious “declarations” after each meeting. “SELEDA shall publish articles...on the Internet...every month!”

Cute.

But what caused us anxiety of giant proportions was the unveiling of the establishment of several new “in-house departments.” Huh? Why do we need all these new departments? Listen pal, take it up with the “Department of Inquiries.”

In the war effort to further confuse the SELEDA sefiew hzb, we noted the creation of the “Department of New Departments,” only the brief first stop in untangling this labyrinth of poppycock.

… We “hochegud”ed the “Department of Reviewing Whining from the Staff and all other Nobodys,” which, with enviable efficiency, is divided into several sub-departments: the “whining from writers department,” the “whining from editors department,” the “whining from vendors who have 90 days overdue notices department,” and the “whining from people who don’t have departments but can petition to have a department wherefore to direct whining department.”

… We “ayTal/ayadriss”ed the “Department of Taking Irmijja to Ensure All of SELEDA’s New Departments are Performing in the Manner SELEDA Upper Management Would Like To Get Accustomed.” Oh, Nelly.

We didn’t even have the guts to look into the machinations of the “Department of ‘Very Special’ Services,” which we hear is an offshoot of the qedmo “When in doubt, expense account it” department. But really, like we always say, who are we to cast aspersions?

But what got our attention and made the crosshairs on our pores tingle with fright and anticipation was the new and spicy, “Department of Sensitivity.” Ok. So, granted SELEDA bosses have never scaled pillars of anything compassionate. But, we thought that maybe the Tsom was making them delirious and... and...well...aiCH, we are just hapless optimists. Anyway, we “ready, skeddi, Almaz, get-set, go'ed to the stately “Department of Sensitivity” offices, only to screech and halt at the door.

Sign plastered on the door on fine handmade paper:

“This is the Dept. of Sensitivity. Do not enter if you are not on the “approved list.” If you don’t know what the approved list is, then it means you ain’t on it. Do not enter if you are not on the “preferred person” list either. If you have never heard of the “preferred person” list, forget you just heard it. Enter if you are on the “Forgotten staff with a legitimate grievance” list. Kidding! No such list. Ok, now go make like an atela and sink to the bottom.”

ye qlEt qen aymesh!

dehhna senebetachihulin SELEDAmoch?

Welcome to the Family Feuds Issue! Ah, we are in our element now, ladies and gentlemen. We have yet to meet a fracas, a mêlée, a “wegerew! wegerew!” moment we have not “emmmppwa, edeg, edeg”ed. And apparently neither have some of you! One day we will find the right smarmy-to-sentimental ratio on how to properly thank our contributors who, on a monthly basis, keep this e-zine zipping along like a wuyiyt driver on crack. Until then, we extend akbrot miyamwaliCHew gratitude to this month’s writers who tolerated us and our cupid-faced passive aggressive requests to “Cut this! Remove this! Dammit we, love you,” editorials...we still call them “suggestions.” One day soon, SELEDA will run on automatic, alas, signaling an end to the cyber consigliore position we have come to cherish. Enjoy this issue on a subject that is both confounding and...even more confounding.

So, what’s new at SELEDA?

Nothing is ever new at SELEDA. Same old qbTet, same old serial psychosis, same old nihilism on cruise control...oh, wait...that last one is new. We were touched by the kind gesture of all of you who sent us all of them “happy third birthday”/inkuwan aderesachihu greetings. Oh so kind, so kind, although we’ll take your “here’s to three more years” mriqat as m’wart against the cyber citizenry. We are hopeful that even more of you will join the Seledification process and become contributors. It has been our profound honor to bring you SELEDA, and it will never cease to amaze us that this kind of ibdet is sanctioned and enjoyed by our readers. May the hilm continue. The fact of the matter is that for SELEDA to live on, we need you.

(Ooooh, that was...spritey. )

ere qoi...waw, there IS actually something new mewregreging down the SELEDA halls. Three years of unabated nitrekanet and what have we got to show for it except the countless subpoenas stacked neatly in the executive washroom? A-ha! Welcome to the new and mature SELEDA: The qum neger Years. (Them will be short years, folks.) The “SELEDA Negarit" is our most ambitious undertaking since we tried to convince the SELEDA cafeteria sra askihaj not to substitute Corn Flakes for drqosh when he makes drqosh frfr. (He apprenticed with some uppity Chef inna mekerachinin.) Aniiiiway, take a gander at the revolution we are a’brewin’ and join the fun.

What else?

We are looking forward to our next two issues. In June we will delve into platitudes and the Ethiopian psyche in the “M’Ts Issue”. mechEs… yaw… gud blo zm new. Deadline for submissions is May 15, although, indyaw zemnu kiffu new, we’ll take you on the 16th if you know the right nuance to mutter, “ay ye sew neger.”

The annual gratuitous SELEDA double-issue will return in the form of the “Modernity Issue” in July/August. Oh, so much to say to fill a double-issue. Your grandma, the one who “ishh”ed your zinb, now on a date in DC...So many tales. Oh, and we have a request...a l’il SELEDA Inner’activity, if we may. For those of you who were lucky enough to witness and participate in the estimable meserete tmhrt days, we are looking to compile incidents, happenings, and memorable occurrences of those venerable times. Please jot them down in a few paragraphs and send them to us at editors@seleda.com. No more shall that era be confined to oral history uttered under heavy influence of libations, coffee or both, but our stories of tearing down the tqur megareja shall be chronicled for generations to come...it shall...

U U tE.

Ehem.

Anyway, you get the point. Deadline for this and other contributions on issues of zemenai’inet is June 15, the 16th if you’ve ever uttered the words “Jolly Jackism” in a non-ironic manner. (m’Ts.)

Oooookay, that’s all from the, “What’s New at SELEDA?" department. Does the “Department of Investigations into Allegations that Interns’ Computers Should Really be Upgraded to 486’s” have anything more to add? No? Ok. What about the “Department of the Elimination of Excesses and Extravagance”? Oh, that department we are told is at a plenary session retreat in Cinque Terre. Bummer. Is the “Department of Declarations” ready to declare the declaration du-month:“SELEDA will fight to eliminate poverty”? Ok, then. It is declared such.

With that, we bid you adieu. As always, we love hearing from you. Drop us email. We’ll get it as soon as the “Department of Screening Mail and X-raying Female SELEDA Staffers” forwards it to us.

selam inihun. melkam fassika!

The Humble Editors.
editors@seleda.com