The doctor was clinical but not cold as she handed me a gown and asked if
I had any more questions. The questions I had for her were all answered…all
that remained were those running around in my head.
"Take everything off below the waist and try to lie back and relax."
Easy for her to say.
I stoically did as I was instructed and even pre-empted what was sure to be
her next instruction by putting my feet into the stirrups. Cold. Very cold.
She still had to remind me to move down the examining table…all the way
down. After so many exams, you would think I'd know that by now. Somehow this
time, though, it was different.
"Have you ever done this before?"
"No." I didn't know what more to add.
"Don't worry, we'll take good care of you."
I nodded, not knowing what else to say or do but just…lie there. The instruments
clinked on the table beside her as she prepared me for the procedure. Again,
she wanted to know if I had any questions. Hell, yeah, I wanted to say…How
exactly had I ended up here? What would my mother say if she knew? Such things
are rarely kept a secret - what would everyone else say? Am I doing the right
thing? Am I going to regret this? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE? But I lay there
quietly - didn't even look as the nurse came and went.
It was when the doctor came around to put a blood pressure cuff on me that
she realized that tears were pooling on the paper sheet I was lying on, soundlessly.
She knew enough not to say anything - just handed me a tissue and went about
the business at hand.
The cuff inflated…and slowly deflated as I heard the blood pounding at
my temples. Then she removed the Velcro tourniquet on my arm and moved back
to her position between my legs.
"You will feel a bit of pressure - but it shouldn't be painful."
"Now I am getting the sample ready."
I stared at the ceiling, my breath catching in my throat.
Two minutes later, it was over.
"You can lie there for a few more minutes if you like - we generally encourage
women to stay in this position for at least ten minutes after an insemination."
The door closed behind her, leaving me alone with my thoughts. What would my
mother say if she knew? Am I doing the right thing? Am I going to regret this?
Then it hit me -- I had done it…I had really done it.