Leaves Me Shocked: Discussing AIDS
by: Yodit

I don’t know how I was supposed to feel. My sister looked at all three of us sitting in our cozy little apartment on our small cozy couches. She had waited until I returned from boarding school and until we all sat together in the living room instead of calling a "family meeting" or whatever one would be expected to do for such a situation. The light was low in the room - only the hallway’s light shone in to set the mood. It was a lonely mood. It was a lost, lonely mood…one that we could not have possibly imagined a second ago when we spoke and laughed aloud like some jiboch. The mood wasn’t there before our sister came and sat down. Poor girl - she must have been heavy with the mood just dragging from her left cheek to her right arm down her fingertips and all the way to her left knee, pulling on her right ankle and easing its way to her toes. We’ve never had a close "loved one" die before. As for me, I was too young (if there is such a thing) to actually understand it.

My uncle was a young, handsome man whom I hadn’t seen since I was 12. We grew up around his outgoing personality and saw him as more than our uncle. He was like an older - much older - brother who was my mother’s younger brother. Heb took us to school, discussed politics with us, teased us and laughed with us. He spoke of a qibE- topped Tigraweyti girl he was going to marry, worked with my father, and played soccer with us on beautiful Etiopian Sundays. I just didn’t get it! Certainly I was going to go back home and see him!

That night when the oldest of four of us (present) sisters told us of our uncle, we just sat there in disbelief. One of my sisters laid back down and faced away from us, pulling her knees up to her chest and holding them tightly. The other slowly stood up and made her way to her bedroom. The "messenger" went to the dining room table and picked up and put down papers, probably replaying what she had said and how she had just said what she said. I sat there in the same position mumbling "weyne…" quietly to myself. I didn’t know how to take it in and how I was supposed to react! I was shocked by the news, but I was also confused and ashamed with the conversations that were going on in my head. What is this "nothing" feeling all about!?

We all knew he had been sick. We heard that he had been sick and were constantly told that minor things kept him ill. I had a funny feeling (that was not so funny) that my family back home didn’t really get a chance to figure out what was going on - they seemed to get different results from the doctors. The sad thing is that I actually bought it! I am quick to believe my family - one is raised to do so - and the information I was given when I was 15 or whatever was enough for me to continue. It was, as our examples usually and sadly match, one of those "brd" situations. Or was it…awww you know how it goes. The truth is usually not the truth but what we are told is true (at least in Ethiopians’ sicknesses!) Yes, we all knew he was sick, but we, or at least I, were never aware of how bad his health was.

A few months back, and several years after my uncle had passed away, I was updated with the facts of life. It was probably one of those times when I went on and on "iyeleflefku" about one of my day’s great lectures - this one on HIV/AIDS, which my American Civilization class had brought to my attention. I excitedly shared all the knowledge I had crammed into my head to strike up an interesting topic. My "messenger" sister and I happened to land on my uncle’s name without me noticing how, and I learned of the ugly truth. She added, simply and almost like I should have expected, that he wasn’t the only one. It was sort of a "hush-hush" incident where the conversation leaves you feeling weird as hell.

I think whenever I get a chance to return back home, I will fully realize my uncle’s absence. Now, even at 20, it hasn’t truly hit me; I still see his face and expect him to be in the house when I walk in from the airport.

As for the way that we as Ethiopians discuss AIDS, I couldn’t and still can’t get past it. We are adults and shouldn’t be playing "shook-shookta!" Some of us, as Reuters mentions South Africa’s President Thabo Mbeki in a November 2001 report, have yet to acknowledge a causal link between HIV and AIDS. I think the way that my family presents a serious matter such as AIDS is one of the weakest presentations in this class titled "LIFE." There should be a policy of open discussion of AIDS-prevention measures so we are not as ignorant and naïve as I have been.

Ye dig?

P.S. I’m still learning.