Dear Son Zelalem -yenE:

I am sure now that you have discovered that I am your father, that you have a sense of overwhelming pride. Since you are from my loins, I hope the "intimidation feeling" with subdue in time. Until then, I will understand. We all should be proud of our parents. I am certainly proud of my father, who was proud of me when I got accepted at the University of Lima in nineteen sikkstyyyy… ay aydelem… nineteeeennnn sebentyyyyyyyy two. Gizew yet hede?

Both my best friends Dr. Temesgen and Dr. Dagnaw have sons, so I am glad now I have one too. Their constant discussions about their sons was starting to annoy me. Now they can't hold that against me. Yetabatachew! Do you know Dr. Temesgen and Dr. Dagnaw? They are very good friends of mine. We will soon have a radio program called "InnE Dokteroch Mn Alu?" to be heard all over the DC area. You can tell your friends about it if you want. I am sure you already know all about me. But, if you have any question, ask them. I have one question for you. Astemrewehal wei? ECH yenessu neger! You probably don't even have your first Ph.D. That cannot do. I am going to write to my contacts at the University of Mbabane to see if they will take you. Ay! Essu enkuwan yQribih. University of Mbabane'n University of Imba blew zm mallet new. Le Ph.D. mymech ketema, son. Maybe I will contact others for you.

I will have to go now. You are probably wondering what you should call me. Whatever it is, it cannot be daddy. Hahahah. A little father and son joke. Dr. Temesgen's son calls him GashiyE. I like that but it seems a little too familiar. So you can call me… Dr. Abatiye.

Dehna senbit. Abatih,
Dr. Raselas.

Dear Fazeralem,

For real, I ain't know why you done sent me to Addis for the summer. I am still in trauma at finding out that I am indeed the fruit of your loins. And dang, like all a dat ain't enough, my carton of Prozac is held up at Ethiopian customs. Fellas out here are tripping on my English, saying that I am agul Ferenj just cuz I've lived in the States. Hell yeah! They best recognize my English ain't never done been beat by no agerbet-er.

I hear your wrinkled ball of gura friend Dr. Temesgen teaches here at AAU in the basketweaving department. I saw him the other day in a wiyiyit wearing a kesha hat, a worn out pair of brown bellbottoms and a hideously skin-tight mesh tank top. What the deal with that, yo? And you want me to get a Ph.D. so I could end up like that? Lemme guess, pops … the 70s was a psychedelic trippy decade for you, right? ;-) Like father, like … no wait, skip that, abo.

Anyway, my new friends at this new club in Doro ManeQia say I should stop by tonight after my tutoring session for some good time, so I best head on up outta here.

Yeah … uhm … keep in touch? Err … right … ok … *ahem* …

Take care, now … sire.
Shuru Zed

Dear Zelalem-yenE:

I talked to my friends at the University of Rabat! You have been accepted in the Oriental studies department! The Orient, my son, is a very exciting place. There are a lot of Orientals. They speak OrientiNa. Tadiyamma, mn yaregal… asaTro feTerachew! Ye izihEr neger!

Did I tell you that I once lectured at the Oriental Museum? Yaw hulachinim indeminawQew… the Orientals like museums. HayleeeeeeNa fQr alachew le museum. Tadiya mn yaregal… Museum sew'n rejim ayareg!

I am glad you run into Dr. Temesgen. He is on a fellowship from the Ford Foundation to teach basket weaving at the graduate level. Wonderful! Wonderful! Frankly, I did not know you were in Addis as well. Then who was the young man I saw at the coffee shop yesterday and sat down and gave advice to? ECH! Ye sewu neger! "Ere Dr. Raselas… lijot aydelehum" inkwan aybalm indE? Zemmenu… eh? Zemmenu… semah ante?… Zemmenu ye mQeNa zemen newwwwww.

Well, I have to depart. I have three leQsos to attend this afternoon. I am not sure who the dearly departed are. I just hope they were not related to me. Did you know that the Orientals have no leQso? They just burn the body and spread the ashes in the Kasanjis River. If you go to the Orient, please don't drink the water. Dr. Dagachew tnnish wesfat neger yaz argaw… siQaii!

I wish you would call me Dr. Abatiye.

Your father,
Dr. Raselas.

Well … Dr. Abatiye (don't take that to heart, I'm only saying it because your ego insisted)

LeQsow indet neber? I got no clue why, but people be scolding me for sayin that over here? What's wrong with asking how something went? Isn't it the "intellectual" thing to do? I dropped by Dr. Temesgen's office the other day. He had the same shirt on, only stained with an offensive esniff of after-shave, tobacco fumes, deodorant, Tej , and that cheap cologne Diffabachew used to wear … they call it ye'Sudan shito over here. It's just foul, yo.

About the Oriental studies thing ... I think I already know most of what is there to know about that. All the Chinese food and shirts with Asian logos and designs on them have taught me everything. Speaking of which, can you send me one of those shirts? Hopefully a black one with really dope designs on it in white … so it can match my braids. Dr. "unidentified smelling object" Temesgen was complimenting my cornrows the other day .. .his exact words were "Ante lijiye, yihe gungunih siyamir, inatE. Na esti Tega bel, lidabsachew." Well, something about his stance, his outfit, his odor, and the way he was smiling at me bothered me, so I gave him one of his baskets to medabess and ran the hell on up outta there … ain't gonna be no victim, shoooooot.

Anyway, Dr. Ras-abatiye, I miss my friends in DC. Especially the dawg you thought was me … that's my boy Li'l Acne (AsQenachew is his real name, though. It's hip to have aliases, you know. You'd make a good Ras Dawg, or even a ... hmm ... how's Educated Pookie for you? I like that, actually). It must've been the braids that fooled you into thinking he was me. Tell him I said wassup next time he hollers at you.

Well, that's it for now. I need to go teach Belaynesh how to properly iron my Fubu shirts.

Peace,
Your son … *ahem*

Ante Qebjjada…

I am very troubled because it is obvious that you are not up to the responsibility of being a Ph.D.'s son. What does it mean to be the son of someone people refer to as "Dokter"? Well, there is accountability and… yaw bzu negeroch… When someone asks you who your father is, I am sure you revel in saying "Dr. Raselas". Therefore, my name cannot be used in vain. You cannot abuse it with such cavalier attitude. TsemaNaleh ante mnamintE!

I was happy to get the news from Dr. Temesgen that he overheard you telling a buxom young woman at AtasQemTuN Tej bEt that you are an Oriental, and that the lady was quite impressed by that. Well, it's a start. Next time tell them that you are in the Oriental Graduate Studies doing your dissertation in Oriental Declaration Proclamation. That usually impressed them more.

I have to leave now. I have a meeting with people who are interested in broadcasting our radio program, Inne Dokter Mn Alu. CHigr new. None of them even have a graduate degree. YetegelabiTosh! What can they possibly know about anything in life? Mn yawQalu!? Nothing!

My regards to all the Dokters in Addis. Tell them Dr. Raselas selamta aQrbewal.

Your father,
Dr. Raselas.

Well, father, I was looking at the display of my cellphone today (which, by the way does not work with the service over here!), and the calendar reminded me it was Father's Day. So ... *ahem* ... here goes ... Happy Father's Day. Go out and have a ball, pops. Make sure you don't do anything I wouldn't, though. *wink wink*

Anyway, did I mention that I cut off my hair? No? Aye, libe'bis'net! Well, I did. I'm sure that would live up to your Ph.D. standards, right? Actually, the real reason was because Sisqo and his ode to female underwear just became a hit over here, and so did the look. Something about my berekina-induced blonde buzzcuts drives the Nazreth chicks wild. Sometimes I'm grateful I'm over here away from all the D.C. debauchery. (Note to self: you keep on writing more, and you'll miss that house party tonight ...)

Well, here's hoping to hear from you soon, Dad. (That's much shorter than typing out "Dr. Abatiye" everytime, so I hope it's ok with you.)

Be safe.

-Zelalem (a.k.a. Berekina Zed nowadays)

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