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Dear SELEDA,
I respectfully submit the following resume for posting on your online
magazine. I've just completed my MBA from Upper West Hollywood
Correspondence College of Business and Homeopathic Medicine. I'm
currently seeking an upper management position in a firm involved in the
importation of third world labor. I have had extensive experience in
the business world and I've been in the forefront on issues involving
sexual harassment, work place incompetence and other disciplinary
matters during my tenure in a number of companies as a database
programmer. Having had to defend myself from a number of disciplinary
charges, I've become greatly sensitized to the difficult task management
faces from today's empowered worker. Being from a third world country, I
also posses special insight that would be of great use to companies
interested in importing skilled but meek workers.
See attached resume for a more detailed description of my work and
academic qualifications. Note: I am willing to start right away, but I have to get a few prior and long-standing commitments out of the way, so please don't call me during the following days...
| July 3-6: | | 'Networking and Recruiting' retreat in Toronto |
| July 10-19: | | Scheduled to be in court: divorce proceedings |
| July 21-26: | | Scheduled to be in court: DUI hearing |
| July 28 | | Paternity test—DC General Hospital |
| August 8 | | Lideta |
| August 28: | | Giorgis |
| September 7: | | Paternity Test: St. Joseph Hospital, Virginia |
| September 14: | | Alimony hearing |
| September 15: | | Palimony hearing |
| September 20: | | Pending: my 6th wedding day |
Sincerely
Siraw Belete
| | 32 Mess el Chet Drive, Chevy Chase, MD 20815 | sbelete@seleda.com |
| Siraw Belete |
| Objective | To conduct a 20-year study on the art of under-performance at work. Willing to be subject of the study. |
| Experience |
1995 to present Kisa Ra Computer Services, Inc. Broke Town, WA
Junior Database Programmer
- Recognized by Guinness Book of World Records as First Employee Officially Overpaid Not to Work
- Credited with solving paradox of having declining qualifications while commanding more pay
1994–1995 Eye Firja Chin Computer Industries Angstville, IN
Senior Database Programmer
- Was single-handedly responsible for the revision of sexual harassment policies
- Won Valued Union Member award after winning five lawsuits against managers for job termination threats.
1993-1994 Beau Zene Software Bozeman, MT
Software Design Trainee
- Co-Wrote "501 Ways to misspell html"
- Designed several adult entertainment web sites, including Abonesh Does Addis .com
1992: Oct 7, 9-9:59 a.m. Sin F. Naa, Ltd. Idle, NH
Token Minority
- Demonstrated excellent verbal ability when confronted with upper management …challenges
- Proved company's computer hardware not so hard when chucked from the 54th floor, therefore inspiring innovation
1990-1991 Dibb IRT, & Daughters Two Mellons, TN
Mail Room Manager
- Responsible for filtering out porn material and upholding company's new family values standards
- Created and managed database of boss' daughters' 'interactions' with mailroom staff. Used it as leverage for excellent severance pay
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| Education |
- 1998–2000 Upper West Hollywood Correspondence College of Business and Homeopathic Medicine Oneonta, NY
- MBA (Majored in Bovine Astrology, Certificate Program)
- Graduated. Really. I really did.
- 1984 –1991 Las Vegas School of Dude Ranch Management and Computer Science Las Vegas New Mexico
- B.Sc. Computer Science. Minor Brothelogy
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| Interests |
In order of importance:
- biweekly mid-day massages
- international beer fests
- spectator sports, especially female mud wrestling
- mentally writing my books (The Idiot's Guide to Working Less for More Pay; 101 Pick-up Lines for When You Are at the Company Shindig; and A Comprehensive List of the Best Sexual Harassment Lawyers);
- helping others balance their pre-lunch and post lunch naps
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Community
Work and
Achievements |
- The "Free Needle" program in DC.
- Chief writer of manuals for Alcoholics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous,
and Children of Sober Parents
- Voted "Best Parolee of the Year" three years in a row by the Parole Officers
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| References |
- Ms. Jill Ann Fo: The Pink Pony Dancerteria
- Ms. Nora Kebi: Starbucks
- The chick from Star Treck (well, her lawyer, actually)
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