Dear ImEt Moya Bizu, 

I consider myself to be the luckiest of fellows. Which man on this side of the Atlantic can boast of finding the two things he loves most right smack in his own house? No, I am not referring to the 47 inch television in the living room nor to Mechal, my best friend in the kennel. I am talking about 1) my girlfriend's bejeweled and synthetic fingernails and 2) her gursha. When she molds that moist ye beg alCHa fitfit into a soft and soggy ball between her two-inch rostrate nails and then proceeds to drop the fusion into my mouth... 

<gulp> 

...let me just say I mistake the glitter on her nails for aurora borealis. But often times I am rudely awakened from my celestial torpor when I choke on my beloved's chipped fingernail polish or asphyxiate on an errant fingernail ring mixed in with the gursha. My life would be without meaning were I to live without her gursha or her nails. But my doctor has repeatedly warned me about the dangerous levels of toxin and iron in my system. What ought I to do? 

Flaked Out. 

Dear Flaked Out,

The headmistress of Ye Baltet Qonjo School and my mentor and teacher, Woiz. Romanworq, used to say: "You can't have your nails and eat them, too." Apparently, her beau, reclined on her divan, used to grumble about the chipped fingernail polish lodged in his finchit after her gurshas.

Had fingernail rings been in vogue in those days, I am certain the ever-fashionable Woiz. Romi (as she was affectionately called by the inner circle of her dedicated and bright disciples) would have had them dangling from eight of her fingernails. "Why eight?" you may ask. She did indeed have all ten of her fingers. But, madly in love AS SHE WAS with the "Finchit Rake" (as he was secretly called by the wider circle of her indolent and moronic apprentices), she SOLVED THE PROBLEM AND ingeniously retained her suitor's straying gaze by trimming the fingernails on her right index finger and thumb and leaving them without polish. But what they lacked in color they regained in sparkle from the rings she wore on just those two fingers.

Baltets from Goré to Jijiga and from Keren to Moyalé attempted to duplicate her two-fingered gursha in vain, but she copyrighted the steps and revealed them only in her Saturday morning graduate seminars. It was rumored, though never proven, that the Registrar of Ye Baltet Qonjo School built her villa in Kolfé from the gubo that she received from students desperate to enroll.

Woiz. Romi would always start those famed seminars by exclaiming, "You can't have your nails and eat them, too." Immediately, she would wink and smile at her smug students who exchanged knowing glances.

Many years later, Finchit Rake was found dead on Woiz. Romi's divan (apparently he didn't pay sufficient attention to that darned cholesterol thing).

***************

Kbur ImEt-hoy, 

Ere gudE fela! For weeks I've been seeing this wonderful guy, and things have been going great. In fact, lately he's been coming over for dinner a lot and -- I'll be honest -- I've been stopping by Woiz. Achamyelesh's zgubN in my building to pick up the delicious "home-cooked" meals I've been serving him. Now he says he loves me and can't stop raving about my cooking! Yesterday, he even asked me to move in with him! Of course, I said yes, but gud gud gud!! What happens when he finds out I can't boil water? Once he asks me to marry him, I won't have to worry about this any more, but what to do until then? 

YenE lij, 

By my calculations, and if you do as I say, he should be begging you to marry him in about four months. That translates into 80 "home-cooked" dinners, factoring in wining and dining out on weekends. (If you’ve got one of those modern "let me cook you dinner" men, subtract another 10 dinners).  

To make this work, you'll have to tempt Woiz. Achamyelesh to move to his building ASAP by offering her free rent (you won't be paying yours anymore, right?). You will also need to buy several items from my new line of Meaza products, available at www.weTmed.com. I suggest that you spray on some Eau de Tdar, a pheromone-rich perfume, every night before going to bed; you should also keep on hand a can of QulEt, an air freshener that comes in doro-weT, Tbs, and shro flavors -- spray liberally around the kitchen right before he comes home for dinner. Finally, I think you would do well with some of my Abol hair pomade -- a whiff of the buna scent and he'll be addicted for life. 

Don't forget to send me pictures of your wedding! 

***************

Dear ImEt Moya Bizu, 

In a recent article that appeared on Qebena Unified Libertines Association’s quarterly journal, Tigel BefiQad, the anonymous author claimed that during Lent, ET couples snuggled close to one another, sat together at social gatherings, and constantly looked into each other's eyes. He attributed this extraordinary phenomenon to the increased amount of misir and qaria in their diet. Pray tell, ImEt, hoy. Is there any truth to this fantastic assertion? 

Alichaw.

Yené Alicha, 

I do not want to get into trouble with any of our clergymen by attributing the enhanced libido among couples during Lent to cereals and vegetables. However, science must prevail in spite of the wrath I may incur. Recent experiments conducted on mice at the Pasteur Institute in Gulelé have shown the entire body of the male mouse becoming rigid for several hours after being fed two and a half milligrams of misir wot. Repeated trial

examinations using the newly imported aura meter have also shown that injecting seven milligrams of diced qaria and shenkurt transformed the multi-color aura surrounding male and female dogs into one color: red. Need I say more? 

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