To: WeindimE
From: Ihitih
Subject: Those days…

Bro,

Not really sure how I am supposed to be corresponding with you about this bit. Anyway, I decided not to worry about what I am supposed to say or not say and figured I'd make this a worthwhile experience for me.

I have been thinking these days about what you mean to me. Simply just that. How much you have contributed to my life. From a young age I was the serious, bl'T one and you were the yewah one. I'd say "A'and CHewata eneCHawet, who can eat their chocolate the fastest. A'and, hoolet, sost and the race was on. Before we knew it, you had gobbled up your food and I was holding the precious goodies having only taken a pretend nibble so that I could enquliliCHE you all day. Though I demanded to be the outspoken leader, you were the silent leader. Without you there was no us, without your consent there were no games, no laughs, no jokes. You built me into who I am. You helped me develop a sense of humor when you rolled over giggling like a girl at things I said. You gave me the confidence to make decisions when you consented to my suggestions. I knew that from the beginning. I knew it was a partnership we had.

As we grew up and made the move to the ferenge ager, you were the only one to have witnessed up close one of the most challenging moments of my life. The absolute roughest. You explained concepts such as people don't like it when you maquaret across their yard; cats don't respond to "wooorrr" and they don't eat leftovers or drink milk; people don't share their lunches at school; you could say whatever about people and about the government out loud without any fears; people kiss in public here (yuk!). Many other greater concepts that others like me would have had to experience to have known. You warned me about people's misconceptions about Ethiopia and that I should downplay the effects my ignorant classmates' comments had on me. You calmed my fits of anger with our parents for taking me out of the comforts of my happy, innocent life to this cruel, impersonal, pretentious world which not only boasted about everything it had, but failed to recognize what it had lost. You assured me I would adjust, though that seemed impossible.

You taught me how to ride a bike.

I was frustrated and slightly ashamed that the two year old in the neighborhood could ride bikes and I couldn't. You agreed and enjoyed giving me daily lessons. You insisted on proceeding with these plans despite my anger and wishes to give up. You insisted I was making progress and kept me going with your gentleness and laughter. I shared with you my many bouts of guilt: that I had prayed at the American Embassy that they deny me a visa, that at an age where all my classmates were obsessing over the opposite sex that I wasn't and that maybe I was gay and didn't realize it.

You probably read all this and don't even remember half of it. That is your beauty… that you never really thought about how you affect people. And of course it is my fault as I never expressed my appreciation.

I cried on one of my long drives as I thought about all this. I cried also about how a lot of this is lost. How we are not the only ones for each other any more, how I don't know you like I did back then, how things have changed all together.

Well, that is it for now. This was composed on email so probably not as eloquent as I would like it to be. Will await your next mail. Ciao ciao.

Love, Ihitih

TO: IhitE
FROM: Wendimish
SUBJECTS: Those memories I had forgotten

Lai min ale (what's up)?

Wowee, girl! I do apologize for not writing right away. There were two reasons why I didn't write any sooner. One was I didn't know what to say, and two even if I knew what I was going to write, I didn't want it to be clouded by emotions. I wanted to take a day to think over everything.

Anyway, I'll try not to care about what people will/may say and just kind of write away.

I admit, when I started reading your note, I was making snide comments and "I can't believe she's writing this". Mid-way through your note, it was "Man, this is so completely different than what I bargained for", but by the end, I literally had to wipe a tear. (Imagine the looks I was getting, me sitting by the bar, finishing up my beer and getting teary eyed while reading your note over email on my phone). I still don't know what to say and think. This is completely different than what I bargained for, which was just making light conversation over e-mail and trying to be funny, but here goes.

With that said, I had been thinking about what you mean to me, and I just couldn't sum it up. I tried to figure out if there was anything that you didn't mean to me, but I couldn't think of that either. The closest thing I could come up with was the realization that my worst nightmare is to lose one or more members of my family. I always ask what love means to people, and I have not gotten answers that satisfy me. The closest thing I could come up with is you know you love somebody if you can't imagine a day without that person. With that definition, I would think the only people that I can love are my family and God. I cannot imagine a day, an hour, a second without you guys in my life. All my life, y'all have been around to support me, pick me up when I've been down (even though I fight and claw to stay down), and just being there, whether I come for help/advice or not.

Sept. 11 almost made my nightmare a reality. It made me realize how close I came to losing two of my sisters. I was much better at dealing with the concept of some people wanting to make a statement about the government. But to actually kill my sisters who did nothing more than wake up and go to work one day? My place kind of served like command center with bro-in-law and mom, and God did I try to be the strong, concerned brother that was not getting too emotional. I was doing ok until I actually talked to our sister. I didn't want to talk to her because I was going to get emotional, which was the LAST thing I thought I wanted to do. And as soon as she said hello my eyes welled up and my voice just clammed up. I somehow finished talking and I just couldn't help but let the tears run down.

Anyway, I think that was the closest day that I came to realization that one day y'all or any of my friends would not be there. Since then I think I have done a decent job in trying to let my friends know how much they mean to me, but always stopped from saying/doing anything that was going to get me closer to my family, because I always said "they know". My gut tells me that's wrong, but I just can't make myself (or is it let myself) appreciate everything that's around (mom staying with me, brother and his family living 15 minutes away, etc...) me. But in reading what you said, I guess "you know" without me doing much. I'm not excusing my inactions at all, but I'm glad to know that "you just know" how I feel.

I would feel guilty if I didn't mention some of the things that you talked about. Yes, you're right, I don't remember half those things. What I do remember though were how much I have to apologize to you because I wasn't a strong enough older brother. And even though we were living together, you didn't always come first. I remember standing by the bus stop and disagreeing with you about everything "to teach you a lesson", when at the time it would have made sense to agree with you. How when you came to me and told me how much the kids were making fun of your hair, instead of hugging you and telling you that everything will be ok, I laughed and taunted you even more. How you cried that day. I am so glad that you think I was a positive influence in your first few years, but I sure feel that I screwed up more than helped you.

One of the greatest day was we started going to the same college. You may not have realized it, but before you came there, I was just wasting my time and really not paying attention to my schoolwork. But you came and I realized that I had to be serious about school. I got my best GPA ever the semester you came to college. Ever since then, I put that semester as a benchmark and said, if I did this once, I certainly could do it again. And for the rest of my tenure there, I was more focused at school although I didn't have the highest of the highest GPAs.

I have to wrap this up pretty soon and go to work. I didn't want to edit any of this so I only gave myself enough time to write and send it out. But just to imagine we were a couple of kids playing "and ahade, hulet seleste..." and now we're both grown up becoming professionals. I still feel like I'm that kid throwing rocks up in the air....and all this, getting dressed up for work, putting my time in at work, etc. is all a masquerade.

I'll be waiting anxiously for your reply. If I have to take a day off each time, I don't know if we can make our quotas by the deadline.

Wendimish