From: Mariam
To: Ted
Subject: Ishe yenai geta bedembe Inetewaweq

Okay...okay, the wait is finally over!!!!! Again I am truly sorry y'all. It has been a rough week and I am still recovering from all that studying and stressing. Please forgive me, I will be faster in responding next time!!!!

Hi Ted,

How are you???? I am sooooo sorry to keep you waiting as long as I did -- honestly it was not intentional. Well, since you were courageous enough to talk so openly about yourself, I guess it is my turn to do the same, with...uh...certain limits, of course (sorry but I can't help it; it's the Ethiopian in me). You know I really admire people like you who are so free to say whatever comes to mind. I wonder if your birthplace has anything to do with that. As great as our culture is, I feel like it has also done an injustice to us by taking away our individuality and our ability to really be ourselves with one another, especially for women. Don't get me wrong, I love and appreciate our culture but at the same time if you honestly look at it, it has its negative side...the negative being that it does not leave much room for individuality when everyone is expected to behave certain way. The culture and society dictate entirely too much to us: what we should and should not think, act, and say.

This is why it is hard to really get to know Ethiopians because, whenever we get together, everyone puts on a mask, on their best behavior, trying so hard to impress one another that no one is really being their true self. To me being in an Ethiopian setting is like being in corporate America -- you are never really free to truly be yourself and say how you truly feel without worrying what so-and-so will think. This is also the reason why people who do these life dairies use aliases because they afraid of being identified and, God forbid, "exposed" for who they really are.

So who am I? Wow, a simple question yet so tough to answer. I don't know why but, for some reason, it is always so hard for me to talk about myself. I will tell you what I can; feel free to ask whatever else you want to know and I will tell you. Well, I am the oldest of 4: I have one sister and two brothers. My family and I are very close and truly enjoy being around one another. We all live together except for my sister, who lives in NY. The fact that I still live at home, being the age that I am, still amazes and boggles the minds of my American friends who could not wait to get as far away from their family as possible. I have lived with my family all my life minus the 4 years of college in NY, and the 4 and half months I lived in California. My parents have been married for 30 yrs. and are still together. I pray that one day I too will have a marriage as great as theirs.

The reasons why I have not gone back to visit Ethiopia are: one, financial; two, I have been so busy trying to figure out who I am going to be "when I grow up" that I have not had the time; and three, I really don't have anyone there to visit since all my family, including the extended ones (with whom I am not that close to begin with), are here. Now if my parents or any other family member that I was real close to were there, without a doubt I would have been back to visit many times. You asked me how old I was when I came to this country, I was eleven when I came. My family and I came in 1983 at the height of the horrible Mengistu regime (oops...sorry for getting a bit political). My mom and two brothers came first, then me and my sister came a month later and finally my dad came the following month. We were very lucky to have been separated only a month from one another because most people were separated a lot longer than that. Oh, yeah, you were definitely lucky and should count your blessings that you did not have to experience the whole immigration nightmare, and I do reiterate nightmare. My family and I, like most Ethiopians here, have been unfortunate enough to have gone through the traumatic experience of getting our green cards before we finally got our citizenship. You have no idea how financially and emotionally draining it is to get that damn green card. Can I get an amen from my brothers and sisters who know what I am talking about???? (Editors chant in unison... "AyyyMMMenn, Sista Mariam!!")

The way you described how you felt after you talked to your dad, and the love that you have for him really touched my heart; it was beautiful to read. It is great to see a man who is not afraid to show his sensitive side. Good for you! Since you seem like a very open person, let me ask you something...are you as expressive about your feelings with your significant other???? Have you ever or would you ever break down and cry in front of her? Ted, you are being put to a test to see how open you really are, so don't let me down!!!!!!

I look forward to hearing from you and please, whatever you do, don't take as long as I did to respond.

Mariam

From: Ted
To: Mariam
Subject: Inkwan le dirsetu aderesesh...

Mariam, tigistE bemecheresha kir tenteltila new yagegneshat! I was wondering what happened to you, especially because I have been waiting to hear from you all last week. And no email to let me know that you were in the middle of exams. Well, guess what? I am in the middle of exams right now. Biostatistics. Mucho, mucho fun huh? Hey, it's a core class, what can I do? But it is finally good to hear from you. You see what I am doing? I am rubbing in your extreme tardiness so that indailemedish next time. But you can't help it. God made you an Ethiopian. I don't blame you. Blame Him!!!!! Ayzosh, you're still okay.

Since the Seleda 'topic of the month' is about cities, I would like to brush up on Ethiopians in different cities in the U.S. and how they act different. I don't travel much but I have been to three major cities on the east coast and I have observed a plethora of behaviors. The 'Mask of Ethio' (comme le Mask de Zorro) you were talking about is at its best in the nation's capital. Do you wonder why Ethiopians settled in DC and not anywhere else? I think it is because they made the assumption that the capital of a country, just like Addis Ababa, is the only urban center of the country. People from Dekemhare or Jijiga or Debre Libanos (you see how politically correct I am?) moved to Ohio or somewhere in the Midwest, since they were more aware of their options, you know, better move to an environment that they are used to. Sorry, Midwesterners. Oh, oh! There I go again! Ted. Focus.

Ok, back to the 'mask' issue. DC is the place to pimp and/or get pimped! I come down to DC one or two times a year and I always enjoy observing people come in and come out of 'Tryst' or other clubs. Everybody mackin' on each other, or at least trying to. They got their freshly picked clothes neatly worn with the ever-present leather jacket - which makes me question, are we wearing the leather jackets or are the jackets wearing us? What is this obsession with leather jackets? Do you have an explanation? C'mon my people, diversify! Aim for uniqueness, identity, and all that good stuff! Ugh! DC can be an ugly sight, especially for a geterE like me from New England. Whenever I tell someone from DC I am from New England, they always give me a programmed response - "Euuu. Minew bakih. Boston betam yidebiral. Lemin izi move atadergim?" I just wanna give them yemokE karia tifi whenever I hear that.

Boston is different. Everybody is doing their own thing. Abesha en masse, yemihedibet bota yetim yelem. So we occasionally meet at the sporadic habesha parties and then, that is when you can see the 'mask' in effect. All the parking lot attendants (majority), Dunkin' Donut employees, degree professionals, elderly people, kindergarten goers, business people, cab drivers, etc. converge to these parties. When I go there, I grab myself a Johnny be Kezeraw (Black Label) and stand with my people and observe. It is such an interesting mix of people, from different walks of life, who all converge on the long awaited party. I guess DC people were right. Boston, in that aspect, yidebiral. But the fun hasn't started yet. You see, when you get this concoction of people, each with a different monetary and intellectual status, knives get pulled. Knives of gossip and pride. Mann ke mann yibletal. And you can feel it in the air, no doubt! It's tense. You can see it in the way people are seated, who sits with who. But for me, very interesting! Observing the different cliques and what they talk about is fascinating. You see, I have the ability to mix with all sorts of crowds. A chameleon, if you prefer. I conduct my own sociological/psychological experiment each time I mix with different crowds. You should try it sometime, if you are a chameleon, that is.

Atlanta is the other town I have been to. Very different from congested Boston. But my conclusion is that ATL is just a spill over from the DC party veterans. Atlantans pride themselves by being more hospitable, more civilized than their DC counterparts. Should we pick aliases after these recent statements? This might put me on the 'Top Ten DC Most Wanted' list. But I am entitled to my opinion.

So, you have figured out that emotions play an important role in my functioning as a human being. We are emotional beings. And there is no point holding back feelings for any reason because if you don't express that feeling, it is going to die with you. It also accumulates in your soul, making you dull and unoriginal. So my advice is that, say what is on your mind the moment you think of it. Usually, the first thought that pops into your mind is the right one, in the context of your own life. It may have positive and negative effects on others, but it is what you truly think. Plus you are not out there to please anyone, because if you live to try to please people, you will fail miserably and make your own life miserable, defeating the purpose of your life being YOUR LIFE. Furthermore, you are being honest to yourself and to the person you are conversing with.

That said, the question was if I was expressive with my significant other? Well, yes and no. Let me tell you a little story. I dated this woman for about 5 months. and one or the major reasons she wanted to be with me was because I was expressive and passionate about the things I believe in. I express feelings when they deserve to be expressed, not just for the heck of expressing them. There is a time and place to express them. So this woman was a little disappointed, a few months into our relationship, that I wasn't expressive about love, didn't say all the goody goody stuff, that made her panties wet, that made her nipples hard...you get the point (Editors gasp, "IndE!! Ho'o! Ere sinesir'at!...bel isti QeTl."). The reason - I wasn't in love with her. So I didn't want to fabricate emotions for my own dignity and for her own good, because I am not in the business of leading women on. She tried so hard to look for emotions that weren't there, she concluded that I was 'mean' or 'rude' (her exact words) to her because I told her that I had no feelings to express. I believe fully that I did the right thing by being honest and she had premature expectations, built on assumptions that she made from a different aspect of my life.

So, am I expressive with my significant other? I have not been in my relationships to date. Why? Because I have never been in love. And that is fair, I think. At least, in the context of my life. Am I too westernized? Do I focus on "I" too much? Well, there is an "I" in commun'I'ty, because the individuals make up the community. But it doesn't mean that a whole community should think as one. Diversity within a community is essential for its development and forward movement.

And that is what the Ethiopian community lacks. Always stagnant. Why? Too much concern about how one should act. Always restraining oneself from expressing anything out of the norms and morals of the community. Especially how you women should behave and how men should treat you. Ridiculous. Are there any old school Ethio's that read Seleda? Man, I guess most habesha men are old fashioned, and they want old fashioned women. Submissive to their husbands. I can't stand that. Submission. Might as well own a dog! Comment, please, Mariam. I would like to hear your views on this.

Ok, Mariam, time for me to sleep and get ready for the grind tomorrow. Write soon and soon doesn't mean a week for now!! ha ha. gotta rub it in

Teddy

P.S. And call me Teddy or Teddisha. Ted is what white people call me.