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From: Mariam
Hey Teddy, Yes, I can definitely feel your pain and I truly sympathize with you, honest! The word Biostatics itself sounds intimidating enough to make me wanna run the other way. Wow, what a response! That would have been a great thesis paper for real, because not only did you state the issues but you were actually able to back all of them up. I am truly impressed, not only that you did a great job of proving your point but that you were able to think on that level at 1 am. Gosh, we have been bashing our people, especially me, so much so that we both will probably be black listed. In all fairness, though, I do love the fact that we are community oriented, I think that is a great thing that we have and should be proud of that. I hope that no matter how long we have been here that we never lose that. My problem with us is not the fact that we are community oriented but rather our intention behind it: do we stick to our community because we genuinely love, support and appreciate one another, or do we stick to each other because we feel like we have no other choice, since we refuse to open ourselves up to other communities? I feel that it is more the latter, that we have no genuine love, support or appreciation for one another, but we put on a façade as if we do and stick to each other like glue with no room for others. Ideally, what I would like to see in our community is genuine love for one another, where we support and understand one another, accept each other as individuals, and embrace diversity. If we are able to accomplish that, I really believe a lot of our problems will be solved, especially if we ever get to the point where we accept each other's differences and embrace diversity. See, that is also another reason why we all have to learn, to some extent, to break away from the culture and find our own identity because it does not only affect our social life but also our love life. All the fronting that Ethiopians girls put on that you were talking about is because of Ethiopian men's narrow-minded view of what the ideal woman should be like. If most of them have their way (I hope this doesn't include you, too), they would like to have this naïve virgin who will submit to his every wish. So to fit this so-called ideal woman's description, most Ethiopian women are forced to play a role, and that is why they put up that front. As long as their ideal woman is that naïve virgin, they shouldn't expect to find a woman who is open and free to be herself. The war between Ethiopian men and women will end when Ethiopian men: 1. Stop that holier than thou attitude and being so judgmental if a woman chooses not to confirm to the "ideal" woman. 2. Treat their women with respect; that means not trying to be all up on her on the first date unless of course she is down with that, too! 3. Know that no means NO! 4. Learn to be romantic, like buying her flowers, calling her in the middle of the day to tell her you were thinking about her, and actually MEANING it. 5. Know all the dating etiquette; if not all, at least some of them. If they don't know, ask a friend or a sister. 6. Stop trying to get with all the friends of a girl that they have dated before. Once they date a girl, all her friends should be off limits out of respect to her and to themselves, too. On the flip side, if she has dated someone, then all of his friends are off limits to her, too...that means the rest of his friends should not try to hook up with her, either. 7. Stop lying and telling their friends each time a girl stops to talk to them that they have slept with her...major no-no!!! 8. Stop using lines to pick up women, it is a turn-off no matter how cute the guy may be. My favorite one is when a man acts like he knows you oh, uh-uh! 9. Learn to be strictly friends with women; there is a lot of benefit to it. 10. Start being real and stop all the faking -- this applies to everything in life. When Ethiopian women: 1. Stop trying to conform to that so-called ideal woman; and be themselves 2. Become assertive and stand for what they believe. 3. Become independent and stop being so cliquish with their Ethiopian girls; if you are on a date with your girl friend has no business being there unless of course it is a double date 4. Stop being so secretive and sneaky, and be up-front 5. Stop being so manipulative. 6. Stop being so judgmental and critical of other women; just because you put her down doesn't mean you are somehow better. Look at yourself first before you judge others. 7. Be honest with men in their lives by letting them know where they stand. 8. Stop feeling so guilty and ashamed if they choose to be courageous enough to be themselves. 9. Stop being so snobbish and materialistic and learn to be down to earth by enjoying the simple things in life 10. Start being real and stop all the faking; this applies to everything in life. You know, I feel the same way that you do because I would love to marry an Ethiopian man. But I don't think the kind of Ethiopian guy that I want exists. I want an Ethiopian man who, first of all, actually does the things I listed above. Second, I want a man who is open minded, romantic, adventurous (this applies to every thing in life), educated, and has friends outside of the Ethiopian community. Basically I want him to be Ethiopian enough to have the good cultural background but yet be well rounded and open-minded. Does this kind of Ethiopian man exist? I don't know because I have not seen one yet. So I guess I, too, am not meant to marry an Ethiopian. If that is the case, I am perfectly okay with that, too. I am not limiting myself, I am keeping all my options open. I will marry a man who has the qualities I want whom I absolutely love with everything in me, and who loves me with every thing in him, too. If that comes from a non-Ethiopian, it is all good. I want a marriage that is based on true love, passion, friendship and honesty, and I am willing to wait as long as it takes. Well, Teddisha, it has been really great conversing with you. I really enjoyed our discussions and I will truly miss you. I can't believe this is my last entry (sniffle, sniffle). I look forward to hearing back from you. 'Til then, take care and the best of luck on your exams. Mariam
From: Ted
Well, well. The grande finale. Blow the final trumpet. In a flash, it is over. I don't even know what I wrote in the last three entries! But we have touched on several subjects and have ended up tying relationships (Ethio-style) into our dialogue. You know, your top ten lists for both men and women seem pretty logical and straightforward. It's amazing that we cannot even do these simple things, cannot even connect at the grassroots level with each other. There is so much miscommunication from the very start that I am beginning to think that the ideal mate for both sexes lies outside our nationality. My dad was engaged to this Filipina a long time ago, but I guess he felt like he had to marry an Ethiopian woman. I wonder what made him do that. Interestingly, both Ethio men and women are more expressive when they are dating people that are not Ethiopian. Why is that? It seems like it is the combination of the Ethiopian male and the Ethiopian female that results in an unfavorable reaction. The factor that creates the "unfavorableness" is the cultural stigma that implies expression is weakness (for males especially), or un-Ethiopian (any challenges?). I see this behavior in myself as well so there is no exclusion. At some level, it exists in all Ethiopians. So until I meet an Ethiopian lady that would make me regain my confidence in the expressiveness of Ethiopian ladies and, in turn, make me feel comfortable enough around her to freely express myself, I think by default that I am going to look elsewhere. Another source of the problem is the level of acceptance of Western values among Ethiopians. Different people have different levels of acceptance, depending on the person's open mindedness and exposure to Western culture. Western values are continuously bombarding us wherever we go, and these values are selectively accepted or rejected. The accepted values displace the previous Ethiopian values that we had. This creates a cultural hybrid. The acceptance of these values, in a sense, is a function of the level of 'Ethiopianness' left in us...hence the formation of the Ethio/West hybrid. I believe that being romantically expressive is much more prevalent in Western society than in ours. Duh!!! I'm not saying it is innate but based heavily on the individualistic society that is the cornerstone of Western society. Individualism has its benefits too, believe it or not. In this case, it is beneficial for the liberation of the long-suppressed expression of feelings for the Ethiopian species. We are a different species, aren't we? At least that is what I gather! Ha! So being individualistic in that respect is the first step towards a more healthy relationship between the sexes. EhenE, most of the readers are saying that, "ihE lij is more heavy on the 'West side' of the Ethio/West hybrid scale!". Yes, I am! I ain't ashamed. Okay. Let me backtrack to your first email. We talked about change of careers and how difficult it is. It is extremely difficult. First, you are going in a different direction from what you had planned in college. All through college you think, "I'm gonna work here and do this and do that," but then you find out that you can't stand what you are doing. I find my job totally unbearable. It is mentally torturous since I don't see myself as being productive at all. Second, it is mentally draining and makes me feel unsure of myself, thinking, "If I changed careers once, what is to say that I am not going to do it again and again?" Ebakih Theodros, be and neger riga ina Quch bel, I keep telling myself. Third, in my case, you get in trouble with your boss. Since I was taking advantage of the benefits provided by my employer of taking free classes, and since the classes I was taking were not work related, you can imagine what kind of friction that could create with my boss! But it is all good. As long as I am at peace with the voices in my head, I am happy. The voices in my head demand that I pick a career where my emotions play a major role, where my emotions get tampered with. Fields like development work, or humanitarian assistance during disasters (which our country has experienced many a time). Let me make a call out to the Diaspora to give this some thought. Famine. How many times can we turn our backs when it affects our country? Weyne wegenoche bilo malQes iske meche? I have been talking to people in grass roots development and they tell me of the shortage of Ethiopians interested in this kind of work. People! The doctor-engineer-wezete cycle needs to be broken. Look beyond the almighty dollar! (I'm not going to use a cliché here but you know what I have to say about money). So, people in a position to get an education, think hard about this. That is, if you truly love Ethiopia and its people. Enough preaching. Well, that is where my career change is heading. Development work. I can get more specific but if I start, as my friends know all too well, I will go on forever and you may not appreciate that. The last disaster or pre-famine scare that we had this year was the event that sealed my fate. There were a lot of people surprised by my decision, including my own dad. I was the duriyE of the family. Always got in trouble. So if any of you have any duriyE brothers or sisters or children, watch out!! They might surprise you! Nobody saw it coming so it was a shock to most people, even to myself. Life is funny, though. This experience has proved to me once again that you really have to go where life takes you. Just hop on and enjoy the ride and don't complain if it doesn't go the way you want it. Life is adventurous, by choice or not. Don't make concrete plans about your life; otherwise, you will be putting yourself in a box (didn't someone say this before?!!) Mariam, ke hulum belai yetebareksh. It was a pleasure. You know, Seleda should have a 'response to Life Diaries' section where people can comment on our views. We can all learn from our differences in opinion. Mariam, I would like to hear more about your career change and what prompted it. I can go into detail with my story if you wish. But I shall say goodbye for now. Seleda, thank you for allowing my views to be etched in stone. I hope they have stirred some minds, as they were intended to. Till the next episode... Teddy |
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