From: Mariam
To: Ted
Subject: Le-dirsetu seladersegn enEm betam dess belognal

Teddiyai, yenai geta, thank you so much for forgiving my inordinate delay, and I know that "inordinate delay" is an understatement. You know what I must say I agree with you a 100%, the type of people I was describing earlier are indeed the Ethiopians in the Washington D.C. area. I guess being in this country as long as I have and not having the chance to see how other Ethiopians are like in Ethiopia, I am basing my views of Ethiopians on the ones I have encountered here. So I guess a visit back home soon is in order!

The Ethiopians in the D.C. area are, without a doubt, very cliquish, close-minded, judgmental, snobby, gossipy, secretive, superficial and completely in denial of their own blackness. They walk around acting like they are God's gift to this earth, only socializing with Ethiopians and looking down on others that are not. For instance, they would go to an American club, yet they would form this big circle of cliques made up of only Ethiopians and hardly acknowledge others that are not. To top it off, as if it is not bad enough that they themselves are so close-minded that they only socialize with each other, they also have the audacity to look down on others, like me, when they see us socializing with others.

Now you can only imagine how they act if they see you dating non-Ethiopians, especially other black people. Forget it, they will stare you down and give you this head-shake as if somehow you let them down. I don't understand how they can be in this country as long as they have but never take the time to befriend others. A lot of them, you can hardly tell that they live abroad; the way they act you would think that they still live in Ethiopia.

Now I am not saying that there is anything wrong with hangin' out with your own people -- that is great but not when you are limiting yourself by being so exclusive. I really believe that by being friends with others you not only learn about them but you also learn a lot more about yourself. But what really amazes me is, even though they only hang out around one another, they still appear to be very superficial with each other. I see everyone kissing and hugging each other, referring to one another as yenai konjo, etc., but not even meaning it. The Ethiopian social scene in D.C is even worse than Corporate America -- it is more like Hollywood, if you know what I mean. I don't know; maybe it is just me, but I swear every time I come in contact with them, I feel so suffocated.

It is a shame that I am saying all this considering I, too, live in the Washington metropolitan area. But hey, the truth is the truth, and the fact that I am saying this living here should prove that I know what I am talking about. This is all generally speaking, of course, because there are plenty of people who are the exception and nothing like the way I described above. (uh oh! I may need to use an alias now because they may come after me!)

I have visited other cities in the U.S and my general observation of Ethiopians there is as follows:

New York - very cool and a lot more open minded in comparison Atlanta - very friendly and down to earth Boston - I am sorry to say but did not seem to be very friendly...they would walk right past you, realize that you are Ethiopian...stare you down and keep going without any kind of selamta or anything L.A - wanna-be gangsters trying to act "black" but yet don't even hang out with one or know anything about one San Francisco - imitation of D.C on a smaller scale but give them some time and they will get there.

But overall though, no matter where we are or how long we have been there, if we don't open up and include others in our lives, we all run the risk of being close-minded and only seeing the world from our point of view. Another thing I want to bring up is this: when are we ever going to acknowledge the fact that we are black and embrace other black people? It always amazes me when Ethiopians differentiate themselves from other blacks, and criticize African Americans in particular, not even realizing that, had it not been for them, none of us would be here today.

Okay, moving right along to the next topic - being open about your feelings. This is by far my biggest challenge in life and requires constant improvement on my part. I am such a people-pleaser that I am entirely too diplomatic (I know I don't sound like it by the way I am criticizing my people but in real life I really am). Being diplomatic and politically correct is a very handy skill to have in your professional life but harmful when it comes to your personal life. I am always watching what I say, trying to avoid hurting anyone's feelings so much that lots of times I am not really saying what I truly feel, even when someone says or does something that upsets or hurts me. Having this kind of personality and, on top of that, being an Ethiopian woman, I have to work that much harder to find my own identity. So much of the culture is embedded in me that in order for me to find myself and state my ground, I have to go against the culture sometimes.

In my opinion our Ethiopian society dictates too much how we should and should not be that, in order for us to function with one another, we resort to putting on the masks I was talking about earlier. I really believe that this is why it is so hard to have a relationship with one another. The men are playing the role of what a man should be like and the women are doing the same by also playing the role of what a woman should be like; neither one of them is being true to themselves. Our culture hinders our ability to be in a romantic and passionate relationship where we are free to express ourselves sexually. Ironically, this is something you realize when you date outside of Ethiopians - that you are a lot more open with non-Ethiopians than you are with Ethiopians.

Now as far as submission is concerned, there is nothing wrong with a woman submitting to her husband as long as he is submitting to her too...you feel me??? (Editors avert their eyes in dinigaTE!)

Before I go, though, let me pose a few questions to you...have you ever dated non-Ethiopians; if so, how would you compare your experience with Ethiopians versus non-Ethiopians? Okay, Ted...oops, I mean Teddisha, I look forward to hearing back from you. By the way can you all (Editors and you, Teddy) give me my props here for writing back as quickly as I did? Hey, I might have even broken your record, Teddy. (Editors yell to the intern, "Ante...props siTilin...tollo!)

To: Mariam
From: Ted
Subject: AtaTadfign inji, yene emebet!

Ere meselten!! Okay, I can't even top that!! Speed and content. That was beautiful. You go girl! I'll try to write back tonight, but definitely by tomorrow night. Interesting, my sista. Wait till you hear what I gotta say...

Hi, again,

Biostatistics. The reason why I couldn't respond promptly. Can you feel my pain, Mariam, ke hulu belai yetebareksh? I am mentally drained right now. But I will try my best to perform to the fullest ability of my intellect.

Why do Ethiopians act the way they do? Their behavior is attributed to one sole reason - the process of redefining their identity in a foreign land. Last night, roommates and I were talking about how the human mind works. We digressed to the point where we actually ended up with the question "Do we really think?" My room mate, who is a budding electrical engineer, triggered this discussion. He was talking about the term "state machines" that he had learned in class. What it describes is, basically, a machine that selectively responds to certain inputs over others when put in a certain state (environment). So his question was, "Are humans state machines?" Do we respond to certain inputs (stimuli) over others?

You are probably wondering how this relates to the behavior of Ethiopians in a foreign land. Well, I think that most Ethiopians are stuck in the transition stage of going from a community oriented lifestyle to an individualistic lifestyle that the U.S demands. DC is in a class of its own. You have the co-existence of both types of lifestyles. So, which inputs do you respond to to establish your identity? Since both choices are available, do you pick one set of inputs over the other, or a mixture of both...or does it depend on what kind of environment you subject yourself to? It would be interesting to see a person who is a FOBBY (you know, fresh of the boat) from Ethiopia (or even a geterE like me from Boston), and a person who has lived here for quite some time, put in a situation where the typical superficiality of exiled Ethiopians is at its best. Observing their reactions would be interesting. One can learn quite a bit about why they act the way they do.

My hypothesis is that Ethiopians are confused. Clashing views of individual and cultural relativity creates a disoriented hybrid. Which view does one gravitate towards? Is there a balance or a mid-point somewhere? Is it attainable? Does it exist? Personally, I think it is attainable, but only in the right frame of mind. Establishing an individualistic outlook with the final outcome being for the betterment of the community is a step to moving forward as a people. This is the one (the only?) valuable lesson that I have learned from living here for 6 years. And for forward movement in all aspects of life, you have to learn from the advancements and mistakes of other cultures and make sure that we don't make those same mistakes. Diversification is the key. The power of diversification is underestimated in our community to the point of being somewhat taboo.

So how did we end up responding to the "do we think" question. When we think, given a certain situation, what we actually rely on is on past personal experiences and observations, and making rational judgements based on those experiences and observations, from our level of understanding. After that rational judgement or thought is formed, external expression of that thought is manifested by your behavior in that situation. So the typical Ethiopian behavior -- superficiality, narrow mindedness, introvertedness (culturally speaking) -- is a good indicator of the kind of thought process that is in the majority of Ethiopians. The thought process is mainly based on, "What do I have to do to be seen in a better light that the next person?" You see, young people are easily corruptible unless they have a strong belief system...not necessarily a religious one, but a dream, a goal. You have to believe in something to move forward, and have faith that what you believe in can be achieved. And we Ethiopians in general lack that. We just live day to day. And that is sad.

Ok. I am tired. I beat the point to death.

Have I dated any non-Ethiopians? The woman who accused me of being "rude" and "mean" was Ethiopian. The last Ethiopian I dated before her was during my senior year in high school. A five-year stretch with no Ethiopian contact. I have dated girls from quite a few foreign countries, even going back to the days in high school. I have always been in love with cultures of the world. So, in between the two Ethiopian girls, there has been a lot of experimenting. And you know what? I have learned a great deal about myself and benefited in the way I deal with ladies from different backgrounds. I still find it hard to feel comfortable with Ethiopian ladies after that long lay-off, though. They put up too much of a front. I don't have time for that. If you want me and I want you and we both know it, let's do it!! I don't feel like I have to "earn my women". If it's there, it's there. BeQa!!!!

Oh!! When will this war between habesha men and women end? Hopefully soon, because I plan to marry a habesha woman. But right now, it is not looking good at all. I can't seem to understand them, or they don't understand me. One or the other, or both. "Jah, jah give I strength, never let I fail"!! Any ideas, Mariam, on how I should deal with habesha women? Maybe I just don't know how. Maybe I just don't know how for a reason. Maybe, I wasn't meant to marry a habesha. And I am perfectly comfortable with that.

Okay. It's 1 am. I have been studying all night and my fingers are going numb. I will have to cut this short. Hope I made any sense in all the junk that I wrote.

Patiently waiting for your next and final entry...

Teddy