Dear Imahoy:

I’m not sure how to broach this topic so let me just jump right in.  My husband of 33 years, Ato Zergabachew, has become as horny as a schoolboy watching a woman breastfeeding on the #22 bus for the first time!  I, on the other hand, have gone through "the changes" and have as much interest in the shmaglE as a donkey has for a sturdy whip.  I would love for him to take his "interest" elsewhere and leave me in peace, but I'm worried he'll come home with a disease or two.  And, AbatE ymutu!, I refuse to die of that asafari beshta like some 20 year-old street walker !!  So what am I to do?

Akbari'o
Woizero Mazengya
 

Dear Woizero Mazengya.

Here's what I advise, mraq-yewaTech-woman-to-mraq-yewaTech-woman.  It is perfectly acceptable for you to find your aptly named husband a nice girl (whom you shall appropriately tested, of course) to take care of his needs while you attend to more important matters (like overseeing the drying of drqosh to send overseas, for example).   There are several good headhunters (or should I say tailhunters) that I can recommend -- Woizerit Maritu at Sree Doors Agency in Kazanchis can help you in this regard.  A particularly useful contact for me in my own time of need was Imet Bezabish, who has her establishment in the Tedros Adebabay area.  I will send you their contact numbers offline, and will also include the name of a good testing laboratory. Once you find the right girl, all you would have to do is hire her to help out at home -- Ato Zergabachew, if he's worth his salt, won't believe his luck...and of course, you would pretend to know nothing, as wise women always do.

Yerso'm akbari,
Imahoy

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Haji bejahi,

My girlfriend, whom I love dearly, brays and kicks my shins violently, every time she has an orgasm. She says she's trying to curb this bizarre behavior, but she hasn't done Jack shit about it so far. Although the upper two-thirds of my body can't be sufficiently satiated with her whole, my lower third is rebelling. Like many of my compatriots, I am weary of rebellions.  How can I quash the ass within her without losing her?

I Get a Kick Out of Her
 

Dear I Get A Kick,

How times have changed!  In my younger days, a man would consider it an Allahsend if a feisty woman manifested herself on his bed and rode him like a horse (or a donkey, for the sedate).  Don't worry.  It's not your fault. I blame it all on the introduction of the ampul in our country.  Before the ampul, a little kick here and there in complete darkness would poke or jab our imagination when we became a little too complacent.  I know it is haram to pine for what we have already crossed but I must confess I do long for the Dark Ages.  Young man (I am assuming you're young because I would otherwise suppose you'd have known better), all I can say is turn off the ampul, fasten the imaginary spurs on your heels and gallop the whirlwind.  Stop whining about the occasional debris shower.