We at SELEDA, in a ceaseless quest to bring you all that is new and least newsworthy, recently gathered together the major playa-playas of a brand spankin’ new field of study called “Ethiopology”.

After months of tough negotiations, and oodles of ego-stroking the likes of which we have not seen since the last SELEDA editorial meeting, we finally managed to squeeze into one room this elite group of intellectuals. And as the last QuanTa Quiche was devoured, and the remaining bottle of Gouder Merlot (2006 Reserve) sipped, we sat with the five leading Ethiopologists for a riveting conversation….

The Playas:

Dr. Dick Panwerst: MA, MBA, EthPh.D.  Professor Emeritus of Ethiopology, University of Ally Mechal, Idaho City Campus. Winner,  Kallen A. Mana Le Peace Prize, 1946.

Dr. Ronald Devin: DDS, MDDS, EthPh.D. Assistant Professor of Sociology and Dentistry, City College of New York; Guest lecturer of Ethiopology, Harvard University and Ho Nosyhon Community College, China. 

Dr. Ham Groundock: Ph.D., k.LD., ADD, MS-NBC, Associate Professor, Anthropology of Ethiopology, University of Alabama; Chair, Sin E. Tewawek Fellowship. 

Dr. Professor Arnold Marquis: MD, Ph.D., P-Ph. D II, DND, DMV, EthPh.D, AARP, University of Athens, A. I. Hey Hei Fellow, Georgetown University, Guest Anchor, “Africa: It’s Good For Something, We Think” on CNN.

What do you think was the most important era in Ethiopian History?

Dr. Marquis: Definitely the Tewodros era…. The intrigue, the indefatigable spirit, the great hairstyle. The Tewordros era was the first Sopranos … Except there were no great car chase scenes… but that’s… ok. The explosives make up for it. I wish A.T. (as Atse Tewodros is known in the Ethiopology circle) didn’t kill himself so early. He should have hung on just a few more years… but that’s… ok, too. I’m in the middle of negotiations with HBO for a 5-hour mini-series on A.T. It would have been six hours, but he tragically killed himself too early. We are in negotiations with the great Kevin Costner to play A.T. depending on how deep a tan he can get.

Dr. Devin: I rather incline to venture to say that the most intriguing time in Ethiopian history will be in the future. As an Ethiopologist, I will further hazard a guess that Ethiopia’s past is it’s future, therefore, it’s past-future is in the present. It’s quite an intriguing phenomenon.

Dr. Panwerst: Ohhh, I think The ZagwE Dynasty had its moments despite the dreadful name it’s burdened with… Lalibela, of course, being the most colorful and talented of the Zaggis. Don’t believe everything about him building the churches, by the way… it is a well-known fact that British architects sold him the blue prints. However, my favorite Zaggi was a little known rascal called Yi’kebke Egzi. Legend has it that he was not even Ethiopian… he faked it! Fantastic. He was splendid.

Mr. Hanky: The most important era is the time when trade was opened and Levi Jeans became readily available. Other than that, the time when that chick Sheba went horizontal tango-ing with Mr. Big Shot Solomon… we sell the silk scarves of that story at my store. Who can blame the poor slug? I’d bag a dame like that faster than a greased hog can slide down a mud hill. Why should I piss on your back and tell you it’s raining?

Hmm. Ok, moving along, how does one become an Ethiopologist?

Mr. Handy: The Clinton Administration was giving it away… in lieu of a night in the Lincoln Bedroom. Ethiopia is lucky to have us around.

Dr. Panwurst: We-hel… that might seem a little too extreme and self important, Hanky. I actually studied the history in Ethiopia, mind you, amongst the tribes. The Ethiopians taught me everything I know about themselves. I wish I could remember the names of a couple of them… but they are a proud people. Beautiful too, and soon, they, too, can become Ethiopologists.  

Dr. Devin: I don’t think being in Ethiopia is a prerequisite, actually. I’ve not been there, but what does that mean, really? If I go in the future, will I not have gone already? The Ethiopian calendar is 8 years behind, so time is on all of our sides… and Ethiopia being a unique country, even if you have gone there in the past, the future-present paradigm will still haunt your psyche. My future is Ethiopia’s future, and her past my future-past-present. It’s quite a remarkable country in that way.

Is the Arch of the Covenant in Ethiopia?

Dr. Groundock: Of course it is! It very so much is. Someone should write a book about that.

Dr. Panwerst:  I … I… think if it is not in London, Paris, Rome, New York, Devonshire, Wilmingshire, Wellingtonshire, Birminghamshire, Longshire, Shortshire OR Washington DC, then there might be at least some chance that it is in Ethiopia. We Ethiopologists have agreed to disagree on this matter because, really, it’s not exactly something to get our boxers in a bunch about.

Mr. Hanky: Actually, I thought I had stepped on some evidence that would resolutely answer this question… but, it turns out that what I stepped on was  a piece of gum. But, like Dick said, does it really matter? In the scope of wearing Levi Jeans at the Ritz Carlton Poppo LarE, it really ain’t something to get uglier than a mud picket fence about. 

Dr. Marquis: Well, according to “Raiders of the Lost Arch” and Mr. Michael Douglas, who is not just a remarkable actor and a pretty face, it’s in Big Toe, Idaho. A housewife found it at a garage sale… was using it as a garden hose holder. Further proof of American ingenuity.

What enticed you to study Ethiopian history and Ethiopology?

Dr. Goundock: The Ethiopian women.

Dr. Panwerst:  Yes, rather… the women are quite dishy, so I’ll go with that.

Dr. Devin: I found the nuance of Ethiopology not unlike the curves of a woman… the dents, the guessing games, the myth and lore the… curves….

Dr. Marquis: I liked the sound… Ethiopology rolls off ones tongue with ease… it caresses… like a woman.

Mr. Hanky: The State Department said I should try it. See if I liked it. I tried it. I liked it.

Why do you think there are not Ethiopians who are not famous Ethiopologists?

Dr. Devin: I think they are too busy doing… stuff. Historically, Ethiopians have had predilections for stuff. Besides, I don’t think a lot of Ethiopians understand the complexity and angst of Ethiopian history… It takes patience and some Nilotic people have problems with that… historically. I’ve noticed (and this might be because of that whole oral history thing) that they confuse names and dates. But that’s OK. Eventually, when they publish works like Silver and Polish… Not to say that is impossibly far away.

Dr. Groundock: Frankly, I don’t know if they want to… there’s no evidence pointing to a burning need or urgency. Not to say, of course, that we will never have an Ethiopian colleague. In fact, although not quite Ethiopian, we have in our midst a new Kenyan protégé by the name of Tommy Qallegira-Qegn whom we are grooming to be a pre-Ethiopologist. Bright young man who has a new book coming out, I Wish Ethiopians would Laugh More…published by Anna Witaw & Bell Hew Publishing.

Mr. Hanky: There are no Ethiopians in the State Department. It’s actually not that complicated to comprehend… As easy as sliding off a greasy log backwards, as we used to say. Must say that some Ethiopians have gotten the short end of a long stick, but the main thing is that they are happy as a dead pig in the sunshine. Simply, Ethiopology is like a one eyed dog in a meat house.  Huh?

Dr. Marquis: I contend that Ethiopology is not for everyone. There are a few people who are lucky enough to get it, and the rest should be grateful for those few.

Dr. Panwerst: Well, not all British historians are British. There are some French historians adept at grasping British history…. Few, but still some. Hence, because all Ethiopologist are non-Ethiopian doesn’t mean that no Ethiopian can be an Ethiopologist. I won’t apologize for being an Ethiopologist.

What do you say to the argument that Ethiopology being dominated by so few specialists means that there are no  checks or balances in the facts you present. Meaning, no one can refute your work and test its validity…

Mr. Hanky: That argument has more holes than a redneck’s trailer after huntin’ season. I do further declare that that argument is slower than molasses in January!

Dr. Marquis: That would have been true if there was not a strict policy of towing with us translators whenever we have to read some of the more ancient Ethiopian manuscripts. My official translator, for example, a feisty fellow from India, actually studied Amharic at Harvard. Very conversant in Ge’ez too. So, there you go. Besides, there are a lot of helpful pictures that the ancient Ethiopians left laying around on church walls… any idiot can make heads or tails of pictures! It was as if the ancient Ethiopians wanted US to tell their stories. Why would they paint all of those awkward pictures then, some of them childlike and unrefined as they may be?

Dr. Devin: My good friend Richie Kapitalinski and I were pontificating this very question when we met up in Addis last summer. He just got a 30 million dollar grant from PBS to make a documentary on the quality of Ethiopian sand. Marvelous work. Important work. He and I agree that Ethiopology is still too young to be refuted. It needs cuddling and nurturing more than it does criticism at this time. We are all trying our best. And our best is all we can give. We can’t give more than our best, and our best can’t give it’s worst. Our best is what we will give, and we will not give more or less than our best. Less than best shall not be what we give and more than our best cannot be given. He who gives more than his best shall not have a best, but will then give his worst. Therefore, his worst shall not be what he gives. It’s very simple, really.

Mr. Hanky: Devin, my boy, let me first say, you are so buck toothed you could eat corn-on-the-cob through a keyhole. Second, what you just said left me colder than a well digger’s tail. I feel sorrier than a two-dollar watch for whoever didn’t get that because, hell, I’m older than the mountains and got twice as much dust, but I still got it! See, we get along like a house on fire. Ok, boys, let’s go get us some more of that Merlot and tell war stories. You will excuse us, silly magazine person?