From: Dagmawi
To: Seble
No subject

Stop all the clocks, cut off the
          telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking
           with a juicy bone.
                Silence the pianos and with
                                  muffled
drum                              Bring
out the coffin, let the
          mourners come. - Auden

Dearest Seb-Seb,

Alas, it is with very heavy heart and somber verse that I sit to pen my last entry in this engaging exchange. I was on my way out of the office, when I received your latest message, and I had to fight (no, repulse) the urge to let my response wait until the morrow. I confess, although the urge nearly overpowered my sensibilities, I am staying at work a little longer to respond to you.

For starters, my anecdote was meant to illustrate that I too had been baited, not that I had 'dis-verged" an azmari. If it did happen (which it did not to the best of my recollections), I must not have been that "trite" for she remembered the experience, didn't she (although I do not)?

You will have to forgive me for my presumption, but from the tone and cadence of your writings, I would have assessed you to have been more of a liberal Democrat than a reformed Republican. "Compassionate Conservatism" is a sly word-play used by Republicans to camouflage their ever-growing tendencies/attempts at becoming less right-leaning and appear more to the center. Your treatises on the protection of humankind and the abolition of despotism/female subjugation are more befitting a left-leaning 21st century revolutionary than a reformed conservative (Al Gore rather than Dubya). That would be, however, an oversimplified view of the broad political spectrum, and would obviously be unjustly pigeonholing a worldly intellectual of your caliber.

I am perplexed that you would assume that I am even remotely in favor of any barbaric act that inflicts unnecessary pain/alteration on one of my favorite parts of the female anatomy. Yes, the act is barbaric; yes, the practitioners are barbaric; admittedly, even the culture is barbaric. That is, however, a strongly held view that would probably not be shared by those that have been actively practicing this mutilation for centuries. I don't disagree that, from any "civilized" individual's viewpoint, this is a totally unnecessary act of deprivation that cannot be justified. However, it is somewhat naive, in my view, to assume that someone in the nether regions of East Africa is going to just up and stop this practice because a few UN/World Bank/Greenpeace/WHO/whatever "compassionate conservatives" suddenly decide that this is their "issue du jour". Incidentally, the same could be said about male circumcision --- some cultures view it as de rigueur, while others frown on it. The medical benefits are questionable, and yet the debate continues. Whilst I was very young when I was "practitioned" upon, I must assume that it hurt and probably did not serve any practical purpose. And yet, I have to evaluate the action vis-a-vis the culture I was born into, and arrive at the conclusion that under the circumstances, there could not have been any recourse.

Beka -- ere yetabatachew? Qooretoo bibaloo bebila man'alechew? Yachin yemeselech ye desta minch minqoreten bilew new yeminekuat? You have just won a life-long disciple to the eradication of Ginsu-toting circumcisers (sic?). And with regards to "begging for your forgiveness", I will be the first to say that if I have ever (advertently or inadvertently) clipped/scratched/bitten any individual and caused irreparable harm, I apologize from the bottom of my generous heart. 'Nuff said.

Wede quoom negeru --- could you have actually missed any opportunity to slip in a double-entendre in your last missive? How you could actually bridge from lambasting me about my sanguine assessment to "nuts" and "long ride" was beyond me. Nonetheless, I did thoroughly enjoy reading your passages and must admit that this exercise was not as bad as I thought it would be. This by no stretch of the imagination is meant to be construed as either admiration of the editors/editorial content or permission to ask me to do is again.

My one regret is that we got stuck on the mutilation theme and did not explore your oral fixation to any large degree. That is probably best left to another medium...

Best of luck to you, my dear pen pal, and do understand that all views expressed on this station are meant for entertainment purposes only. If you ever do make it to that island with Gilligan and Abiy, please inquire if Ginger, Amaretch, or any of the lassies will be there and I may make a short trip out to see you.

Ke'ifoyta gar,

Dagmawi

PS: By the by, I am still deciphering your last aphorism and attempting to understand whether I have been complimented or slighted. Once I have made that determination, the appropriate response is guaranteed to follow. As the male ahiya said to the female ahiya, "Yeqerew yiqeral inji, irgCHaw mindinew?"

D

From: Seble
To: Dagmawi
Subject: The Hushed Sigh of a Contented Woman

Dearest Dag-Dag---

I am sure you have had more compelling indiscretions than having, maybe-maybe-not, "dis-verged" an azmari. (There is that wafer thin pedigree in you rearing its head again.) I did get the point of the story, by the way, but I appreciate you hammering it in nonetheless. I have learnt the hard way, Dagisha, not to mess with what a man thinks about his virility, so, the main thing is that she remembered yours after all those years. Makes a woman wonder…

I would like to think of my political bent more as a Liberated Democrat. Come tax season I transform into a right-of-Ralph Reed republican… and then when my new allies try to legislate what I do to whom in the privacy of my bedroom/bathroom/kitchen floor, I swing to left of an ACLU bed-wetting liberal. Sintun wedo, Daggiye? (You would be surprised at the number of States which still consider fellatio illegal. Trust me… in many States you would be a fellow fellatio felon.) But I find over-simplistic talk of political parties boring, so I will move on.

I was trying to figure out what my favorite part of your epistles has been, and I found it! Hands down, your "*I* was circumcised and you don't hear ME whining about it!" argument about the parity of male and female circumcision rendered me motionless for several minutes (and you KNOW how fidgety I am!). You, my dear, are too precious, and I am loving your bait with every bite I take. Like the miskin/lucky azmari, I hope you at least remember me when, years later, I write to you reminding you how, in one clean swipe, YOU dis-verged ME with that argument! Aahhh, the "How does that affect ME?" syndrome. Credo quia absurdum est.

While you were scouring azmari houses in Addis, dusting off dossiers of women whom you might/might not have de-or-re-flowered, I, on my last trip, took a quick excursion to the west with some friends who, although not with Greenpeace, work for a similarly lefty organization you frown upon. They were on a project/study regarding female genital mutilation. Dag, once you see how many medium sized Qils of blood a little girl bleeds after circumcision, you, too, would not care if it was Hitler/UNESCO/UN/World Bank who is making this an issue du jour. What we didn't talk about is the culpability of the matrons in these villages who strap their daughters' and sisters' hands to the misesso of a hastily-converted circumcising hut, and scream out obscenities at screaming girls in excruciating pain. Now, who has blood on their hands? Literally and figuratively?

I realize I have a pen in my mouth as I am writing you this entry, so you might just be right that I harbor fixations that are oral. Astute, Dag, very astute of you, even through this obscure medium. Man, no wonder azmari woman remembered YOU! Iness, I can attribute it to having stopped smoking three months ago. What's your excuse for *your* fixation?

Unlike you, my dear ET-style afegfagi, MY views expressed on this forum are NOT just for the express use of entertainment. Why do we Ethiopians add caveats and apologize for our thoughts? Heck no. Not this ET. I meant every word. If I weren't so lazy I would go back to read and then conjecture on what you said was in jest and what was sincere. You, my dear Dagmawi, would be in the Time-Out Corner at Simplicity 101 class (you may or may not be wearing the Dunce Cap depending on how charming you are in real life). The AOL 6.0 package is all-inclusive… it doesn't just refer to simplifying life materially, but also mentally. The only exception to the rule is the license to double entendre to one's heart's content. Flirtation, Dag, is a dying art. Another thing I blame on men…. Youse either don't get it, or take it too seriously. Oh, I could speak volumes on that "dooldoom edge" flirtation saber of ET men.

Have we really come to an end or is this a case of you finishing early? Tish, tosh. Don't worry, Daggie, it happens to all men… or so I have heard.

Yours truly,

_seble.

p.s. "Best of luck to you, my dear pen pal"????? Look into my big, brown, dibul-bul eyes and tell me that was not trite.

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