Selam, selam...ere be'GzhEr!

Remember the piece in the February 2000 issue, On Choices, where two women who had been friends forever shared with us some of their thoughts on life, love and the choices they made? Well, it's only fair that we would now ask two men to reflect on these same issues...

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Well, Shiftaw, my dear friend, I have been selected as the one to volley the first salvo in this war of words (or is it attrition?) by our generous editors at Seleda. I understand that we have been chosen to wax poetic on the eternal issue of "love". What do we know from love? Why couldn't they have chosen a topic like siga/Qoort ? Now you know I could write interminably about the virtue of shanya, tanash, talaQ, godin tedabit.... But love??? I am a perpetual student on that topic.....

I suppose it is apt that I should have this exchange with you, one of my oldest friends. By my count, we have known each other over thirty-two years, and have seen some crazy times. As I write this opus, I hearken back to our high school days, and those dances we used to have to organize. The rituals of those days seem comical to an adult in his thirties, but Lord knows we took them quite seriously. The attire selected to make an impression (what impression, I do not know), the splash of precious cologne, the drinks at the kiosk (Sprite and vodka, if I remember correctly) to build courage, and the constant air of nonchalance while assessing the "talent" arriving from all the other schools. Can you imagine, the greatest achievement (and therefore the greatest challenge) of our day was getting to second base with one of those preening flamingos from Nazareth, Sandford, etc.? The anguish of dancing cheek-to-cheek with a warm, soft, sweet-smelling Medusa and playing that eternal game of battleships --- you reach for a stolen caress ("feel" seemed somewhat pedestrian a term), while your constant forays are met with resistance (i.e., a shove and a very vocal "Atarfim?!"). I think our friend "Joe" had the right idea --- he used to admire his prey from afar, incessantly talking about his dream girl's perfect locks of hair. Ay lijinet, hulu neger Qelal hono neber yemitayen....

I look at myself two decades later, after having enjoyed countless relationships/interactions with all kinds of women, and I can honestly say that it has not gotten any easier. I feel that I have a pretty good sense of what I want from a woman. It would be nice to have a certain sense of compatibility --- physical, intellectual, etc. It would also be nice if I got the sense that the individual was challenging and open to new experiences, a videophile with a healthy appetite for exotic spicy food, espionage novels, and jazz. An individual, above all, who is ambitious and self-sustaining would be a walking wet dream. I know that this seems like a tall order, and there have been a few brief instances where I felt that I might have found the "Golden Fleece"(Jason and the Argonauts, for the unenlightened, and not what you think, inante balegewotch!) I have been searching for, but to no avail. On the other hand, there have been times when I have settled for mere companionship, resigning myself to the fact that what I seek was not to be found in my partner of the moment. The pursuit continues, however, and I do remain the perpetual optimist.

My sisters are convinced that I am the ultimate chauvinist. While this observation, on its surface, may seem to have merit, I believe that it is a view somewhat tainted by gender and culture. From my vantage point, the label "Ethiopian male chauvinist" (redundant?) is a safety net created by our fair sisters to resist facing the facts espoused by certain strong-willed brothers. While I am definitely not an advocate of the "barefoot and pregnant" school of thought (extremely anachronistic characterization), I am a firm defender of the belief that relationships are by their very nature unequal, and one party (either the male or female) will mostly enjoy having the upper hand. I further believe that the success of a relationship is dependent on finding the balance of power between the two parties --- guaranteeing that neither party is continually subjugating the other (or being subjugated). This balance, however, seems to be a difficult one for many women to grasp (whoa, feminists, just an observation!), and is virtually impossible for a great deal of Ethiopian women to fathom (a gross generalization, but based on significant empirical data).

I have arrived at the conclusion that the Ethiopian Diaspora has created an archetypal abesha emebet that is full of contradictions. She wants to make decisions and proclaim ultimatums, yet not face the consequences. She insists on the truth, yet does not accept the honesty unless it is in line with her view of reality. How many instances do you know about (or have you faced) where your partner has asked you to be honest, and then lambasted you because she did not really want to know the truth? I can't help but think of the timeless bait used on us hapless men ("Do you want to see other women?") as instigation for a showdown. Woe unto thee if you answer that question honestly (as I have, much to my misfortune), for you will experience an outburst the likes of which you have never imagined. Hell hath no fury.......

I suppose, however, that these issues are not necessarily unique to our Ethiopian experience. The ritual is repeated to a large extent in many other immigrant cultures in the States. I have a good friend from the Asian sub-continent that tells me that the cultural intricacies of his society rival mine, and that it gets more complicated when dealing with those social mores in an immigrant context. He apparently has had to face the same pressures that I have had to -- the constant pressure to conform to some preordained goosestep of education, career, home-ownership, and then marriage. I can't tell you how many times I have been asked the question, "Well, now that you have achieved what you have achieved, when are you going to get married?" I guess to most it is pretty systematic --- you finish school, get a good job, buy a house, then marry and procreate. I have not viewed my life in such a pre-ordained manner, and have resisted the pressure to conform.

There is also the fundamental issue of finding the right person. How do you know when the right one has arrived? Do you receive a divine message? Does she have to share all your interests? You are probably in a slightly different position then I am, so please dispense some much-needed advice. I have been in relationships where I felt that the person I was with had the potential of being a good lifetime companion, but I never felt that it was the right time. I have always felt that I had to abide by my internal sense of timing on this issue, and to make the decision to settle down when I felt that I had found the right person, and at the right time. This concurrence has yet to happen.

I do sometimes wonder whether the time-honored Ethiopian custom of arranged matches might be better? I spent some time back home recently, and I must tell you that that sort of thing is still prevalent. I had a few instances of my mother being approached with a friendly inquiry --- "Semash, Wzro. Xxx, taQyalesh and konjo set lij indalechgn? Lemin lijish gar anastewawikatem?) There actually might be some validity to this process, I suppose, since you at least get some context to your introduction, and if nothing else you get to preview your potential in-laws well in advance.

This brings up yet another question -- does she have to be Ethiopian? An emphatic "Yes!" Who else would understand the cultural maze we are brought up in? Who has the time or energy to explain the circuitous logic that drives our cultural interactions to a non-native? For that matter, how the hell are you going to explain to a ferenji that a "desasa gojo" is not really referring to a frail hut? Ay amarigna, indabejush .........

I think I have opined enough for the first salvo. I await your response.

Cordially yours,

Garedew

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I would like to start off by admitting that, had this been a complex Machiavellian strategy in which you anticipated I would refuse -- thereby eliminating this exchange -- I am sorry to say I have failed you. Dewileh bitnegregn tiru nebere. That said, however, I am pleased that we have been afforded the opportunity to discuss this matter in such a public forum so that it may benefit those still feeling around in the dark. I do not mean to imply that I am an expert in this matter, but that through our dialogue we might shed some light, if not a little humor, on the subject matter.

My dear friend, as your quest for the "Golden Fleece" (I love that analogy) continues, I on the other had have arrived in the Holy Land. The trip was long, treacherous and at times the obstacles seemed quite insurmountable; the journey in itself was very satisfying, and the final destination makes it all worthwhile.

Being such close friends, it isn't surprising that we believe in a lot of the same ideals when it comes to identifying "The One". Compatibility is important. I remember a particular date not too far back who tried to put on airs and show how worldly she was, while still remaining true to her Ethiopian Values. All this while she looked with disgust at my Shrimp Scampi, even as she slurped her Lobster Bisque. Of course, by dessert, I knew that this was never going to happen.

Timing is just as important. In fact, I dare say that timing is everything. I remember a chapter from one of the many times, a meddling (nosy) but well-wishing aunt was convinced that she had found me the perfect mate (Qonjo, chewa, yetemarech). I arrived at the usual digis, an innocent lamb with no idea of the trap I had just entered. As soon as my aunt started to approach the subject, I realized what was afoot, and bolted. "I am sorry, I just got paged from work, and..." yada yada yada. You know the rest. Well, the euphoria of having out-smarted my aunt lasted until the next day, when I found out that the guest of honor was none other than the girl then consider to be "one of the finest catches". Did my cousins ride me hard on that one! "Ayeyi! Anten bilo arada, din-Qem!"

Does she need to be an Ethiopian? Without a doubt. Who else could understand $40,000+ of debt at the start of a marriage, only to throw a wedding bash for 400? That to be quickly followed by a live-in mother-in-law anxiously awaiting the firstborn to materialize nine months later. I am not even going to mention other concepts such as Tilosh, mels, quinawin emma metew new. Enough said on that subject.

Seriously, though, it is quite interesting that we are involved in this exchange, as my status has recently changed. And of course, I have somewhat first-hand knowledge now that I have taken the plunge (perhaps plunge isn't the right word), but you know what I mean. Please don't start rolling your eyes, shaking your head, "Tinantina ageba-na..." because I am not going to tell you that I have some complex formula for knowing when you have met the right one. As for myself, all I can say is that I feel very blessed to have finally found the person who matches me so perfectly. Needless to say, I don't quite remember when I knew, but just that I knew. I value your friendship, so I will not bore you with all the details of how I am constantly reminded of this.

The qualities that we "men" look for in women are not very unique and different from what they want. You won't find too many out there praying, "Please, Lord, help me find an ugly nag or a bore who will drive me to drink and a quick grave!" But on the other hand, recognizing a good thing for what it really is not only takes a great deal of maturity and wisdom, but also self-realization. All of which is a culmination of each individual's life experiences and the choices they made.

Look forward to your response.

Your Friend,

Shiftaw

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